In case you didn't already know, I'm a tad nuts. Not in the fun "wow, she's bonkers!" kind of way - rather in the "totally certifiable mad hatter" kind of way.
I went off the deep end a couple months ago. It started with severe denial, and then progressed to the bold realization that getting out of bed is KEY to functioning during the day. Asshole Depression kicked the shit out of me, and then the accompanying Bastard Anxiety took a stab at me too.
When you're hyperventilating in the shower every morning, a state of happy ignorance is significantly more difficult to preserve.
All that is beside the point, however. There are some other posts about those dark days, and my path to the relief that meds - and then more meds - have provided.
The point here is that I'm getting a bit better. The A&D shit-kickings are fewer and farther between. And although fatigue is still an issue, I tend to be of the belief that lazy and tired are preferred to utterly crippled.
So here's the thing.
Turns out I'm a type-Aer. One of these super controling, hyper-active, over-achieving types that expects way too much of herself.
Now. In and of itself, there's no real problem with achieving many things. Necessarily. I've always had a high capacity, and even though I'm currently operating at about 42.3% of that capacity, I probably will get back to "normal." Even if it is thanks to popping pills.
The issue is not high capacity - it is taking all that effort and energy that I have in my body and mind, and then investing it into only ONE thing. Unlike having several classes, and fitness instructing, and a boyfriend, and then wedding planning, and house-buying, and city moving. All of that extra stuff went away, and then my brain had room to breathe. And A&D had a placeto grow and expand and take over. Because I wasn't distracting it.
Meanwhile I was putting all my heart and soul into one damn thing. One giant work project (here and here). I worked long days and nights and was consumed with what was to be a high-profile, career-advancing, attention-getting, learning-experience.
DIVERSIFY. Spread my energy into different things. Volunteer. Get a bike. And ride it. Plan a blogger conference! And nourish the parts of me that I skipped in childhood when I had to be so damn responsible all the time.
Generally speaking: Redefine, very carefully and with A LOT of effort, my very definition of "success". Broaden my base. Stop being the delicate and vulnerable but very TALL house of cards, and instead be the strong and balanced card castle that is artfully carved into the carpet.
And above all, LIGHTEN UP. Replenish my resources so I can spread them further.
And eat more cheese.