Friday, 24 June 2011

The solution is always cheese

In case you didn't already know, I'm a tad nuts.  Not in the fun "wow, she's bonkers!" kind of way - rather in the "totally certifiable mad hatter" kind of way. 

I went off the deep end a couple months ago.  It started with severe denial, and then progressed to the bold realization that getting out of bed is KEY to functioning during the day.  Asshole Depression kicked the shit out of me, and then the accompanying Bastard Anxiety took a stab at me too. 

When you're hyperventilating in the shower every morning, a state of happy ignorance is significantly more difficult to preserve. 

All that is beside the point, however.  There are some other posts about those dark days, and my path to the relief that meds - and then more meds - have provided. 

The point here is that I'm getting a bit better.  The A&D shit-kickings are fewer and farther between.  And although fatigue is still an issue, I tend to be of the belief that lazy and tired are preferred to utterly crippled.

So here's the thing.   

Turns out I'm a type-Aer.  One of these super controling, hyper-active, over-achieving types that expects way too much of herself. 

Now.  In and of itself, there's no real problem with achieving many things.  Necessarily.  I've always had a high capacity, and even though I'm currently operating at about 42.3% of that capacity, I probably will get back to "normal."  Even if it is thanks to popping pills. 

The issue is not high capacity - it is taking all that effort and energy that I have in my body and mind, and then investing it into only ONE thing.  Unlike having several classes, and fitness instructing, and a boyfriend, and then wedding planning, and house-buying, and city moving.  All of that extra stuff went away, and then my brain had room to breathe.  And A&D had a placeto grow and expand and take over.  Because I wasn't distracting it.

Meanwhile I was putting all my heart and soul into one damn thing.  One giant work project (here and here).  I worked long days and nights and was consumed with what was to be a high-profile, career-advancing, attention-getting, learning-experience. 

Except then it went to shit.

In hindsight, I should have known that'd happen. 

But that's not even the problem.  The problem is that I invested EVERYTHING I HAD into this ONE thing.  All my eggs in one basket. 

And then the bottom fell out.  And I went with it. 

So.  This is the solution. 

DIVERSIFY.  Spread my energy into different things.  Volunteer.  Get a bike.  And ride it.  Plan a blogger conference!  And nourish the parts of me that I skipped in childhood when I had to be so damn responsible all the time. 

Generally speaking:  Redefine, very carefully and with A LOT of effort, my very definition of "success".  Broaden my base.  Stop being the delicate and vulnerable but very TALL house of cards, and instead be the strong and balanced card castle that is artfully carved into the carpet. 

And above all, LIGHTEN UP.  Replenish my resources so I can spread them further. 

And eat more cheese.  



  1. I love this! I think diversifying is an awesome idea. And I am so glad you're feeling better. Sometimes we need a little help to feel better and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    And I love the Mad Hatter anyway...

  2. You are SUCH a good writer.
    *jealous over here*.....
    Take care of yourself mama. I find that people with giant, caring hearts take on the most and then get let down the greatest. Your plan to balance better is great.
    And the eat more cheese part? REQUIRED.

  3. jacqui - I like the Mad Hatter too! I strive to be more like him in my daily life.

    Sarcasm - You're sweet. Thanks doll.

  4. "Stop being the delicate and vulnerable but very TALL house of cards, and instead be the strong and balanced card castle that is artfully carved into the carpet." Very beautifully said and so true. I need to start doing this for myself as well.

    I'm such a perfectionist and so hard on myself when it comes to everything. Sometimes I wish there was a pill I could take to make it go away.

    Much love to you. And you're so right, the solution is always cheese. I'm a cheeseaholic.

  5. If you sounded any more like me I think I'd ask my husband if I randomly woke up in the middle of the night and got on the computer. Except that you write it well, instead of going all stream of consciousness on the key board.

    And yes, cheese is definitely one of the key factors in achieving your goal. (^_^)Y Rock on girl.

  6. Are you in my brain right now? I've grappled with so many of these questions. For me the biggest challenge is setting a reasonable bar of what constitutes "success." So glad you are working through these things too. You'll be happier and healthier for this.

  7. Thanks you guys, I'm glad there are others who can relate. I almost didn't post this (thought it was too boring), but I'm glad I did.

  8. Dear, I'm so very much riding in your boat right now. I became almost trapped in my own head at one point. Don't feel bad for taking meds, because that's what always brings me back from my A&D. Just know there are many, many people who suffer like we do, but in silence. It's wonderful to see someone brave enough to be out and honest about their mental illnesses. I only hope I can someday be able to explain my head as clearly and eloquently as you have. Cheers.

  9. Thanks darlin. I appreciate that so much.

  10. I think I'm a Type A'er too. Or a G (for goat.) Could be either one. I hope you're feeling better! Oh, and bacon helps.

  11. Yeh for biking!!! Glad you found the words. You are my hero right now : )

  12. Thank you darlin. Appreciate that so much.