Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Like Jackie Chan or Chuck Norris or something

I'm at home right now. 

At 11:36 on a Wednesday. 

I know what you're thinking.  "Score!"

But no.  I'm not home for a good reason.  Not because I took a vacation, or because I'm sick (necessarily), or because I'm playing hookie.  But because I just couldn't go.  I couldn't do it.

Which is not the same as didn't want to.  Although it's true, I certainly didn't want to.  But ultimately I guess I did want to - if the thought of it didn't induce vomiting. 

And it's not the same as wouldn't go either.  Because I would have.  If I could have.  It wasn't a refusal, really.  It was more of an inability.  

And it's not even the same as shouldn't go.  Even though for sure you shouldn't go to your office and interact with your colleagues if you're doing it with a scrunched up crying face and clutching your chest.  It scares people. 

So that leaves me with couldn't.  Couldn't go. 

I tried to get up.  I really did.  But I was paralyzed by... by... what?  Fear?  Yeah.  Anxiety I guess.  I got dizzy and my heart picked up speed and my chest started to hurt.  

I know what you're thinking again.  "Oh my god! Go to the hospital! You're having a heart attack!"  It isn't a heart attack.  I'm 27 for godsake.  If I was having a heart attack at age 27 I would have bigger problems than this. 

But I don't have bigger problems than this.  This is my biggest problem. 

An unidentifiable, indefinable, seemingly insurmountable Anxiety and Depression that kicks my ass whenever I think I might have beaten it. 

Me:  Well, I've been feeling ok. 
A&D:  Yeah, you got me... I'm done for. 
Me:  I know you're there, but I can work around you.  You're not so tough. 
A&D:  GOTCHA! *unexpectedly hits me with a giant roundhouse kick to the head*
Me:  F-ck.  Ow.  That f-cking hurt, you asshole.  
A&D:  Don't call me names.  You're the crazy one.

So here I am, on my couch, nursing my roundhouse kick wound. 



  1. Ahhhh. . . Shit. Sorry, friend. There's a lot of that going around. Hang in there, and when you feel a little better, GO TO THE DOCTOR. Seriously, that's what keeps us so fucked up. When we're so down, we can't face doing anything to make us better, and when we're better, we figure why seek help, 'cause we're feeling okay again. DOOOOOOO it.

  2. Thanks gal. I have my fourth psych appt this afternoon, actually. We'll see if she has any words of wisdom.

  3. Ah, that is hard. I have been struggling with work as well but not that severely. Hopefully your appointment will help at least get a handle on it. Good luck.

  4. well...for any of us that suffers from that crap...a and d combined...well it sucks!!!!
    do what you can to be gentle with yourself and
    do the things that have worked in the for me that involves my "come to Jesus" medications or "crazy pills" as my kids call them, intense therapy--which gets expensive--and excessive sweaty exercise which is often no fun.
    Hang in there and breath the best way you can---your not alone!!!!

  5. Yeeeeesh, I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds terrible.

  6. Oh, man. I've been there before - the whole being utterly unable to function thing. Hang in there with whatever treatment you're pursuing. It WILL get better.

  7. lexapro has been my lifesaver. it's for depression and generalized anxiety. my panic attacks have lessened dramatically since going on it.

  8. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now... as hard as it is to imagine, it will get better. Just keep moving forward. <3

  9. anxiety doesn't sound like such a big deal BUT IT IS! its crippling & cruel. You can come out the other side, make that your mantra, 'I will get through this'. xxxx

  10. Hang in there honey -- and force some dr-type person to give you some Xanax. If it can get me through the grocery store without crying, it can do anything.

  11. I can't thank you guys enough. Your comments really helped. I am not alone. I will get through this. It will get better. And I even went grocery shopping today without crying.

    My psych appt yesterday helped with some coping strategies and my physician gave me some crazy pills today. On top of that my boss is giving me some time off to get a grip. And hubby will be home from his work trip tomorrow.

    All good things, I think...

    Thanks you.

  12. You are definitely in my thoughts...anxiety/panic disorder/panic attacks are bad enough. When you add a dose of depression, you can think there's no way to beat it. But there is. And I'm glad you're taking care of it.

    Sending lots of love your way! Let me know if I can help...and I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.