Sunday, 30 December 2012

Hey! I have news!

Alright dear friends.  Here's the big news.

I'm not even going to make you wait.  I'm just going to come out and say it. 

I really don't like those people who say, "Hey! I have news!" and then ramble on for fifteen minutes about how they didn't know how to tell you, and would you like the good news or the bad news first. 

I mean, if you don't know how to tell me, then maybe you should have thought about it a little bit more before you brought it up, because now I'm just sitting here waiting while you find the perfect words to share news that - let's be honest - probably doesn't impact me in the slightest. 

And as for the good news/bad news question? What do YOU think? If you're really asking, I'd rather not hear the bad news at all.  Because who wants to hear bad news?  Unless it's just "bad" relative to the good news, but not really all that bad in its own right, well then I guess I wouldn't mind hearing it.  And I might like to hear it first because it might seem pretty decent until I hear the actual good news.  Whereas if you share the relatively "good" news first, then the relatively "bad" news is just wasted news because who cares about not-so-great news when compared to particularly-good-news?  No one.  No one cares about the "bad" news.  We all just want the good news.  So stop asking such a stupid question. 

What were we talking about?

Oh right. 

Hey! I have news!

I don't really know how to say this...

Well, do you want the good news or the bad news first?  I'm going to give you the good news first, and then validate it by adding my own personal flavour of cynicism. 

The Good News:

Right now, at this very moment, there is a very tiny being growing inside my body.  A human being.  I mean, it isn't an alien being or something.  Although from what I can tell, it does have a VERY large head. 

Yes, yes, my eggo is preggo.  Just over 3 months preggo, actually.  And I've been reluctantly keeping it from all of you (not to mention my closest friends and family) for WAY TOO LONG.  I don't know if you guys know me AT ALL, but I don't exactly keep secrets very well.  I'm a sharer.  Which may explain my difficulty in maintaining any regularity to my posts over the last couple of months...

Going along with the good news is all the excitement! Sharing this with Hubby. Laying in bed at night thinking about what it'll be like, if it's a boy or a girl, how I'll basically have my own little doll to dress up all the time! (kidding)

But.  There is bad news, and it is simply not like me to hold it in. 

The Bad News:

The bad news is that I've never had so many mixed feelings in my whole entire life.

The nausea that consumed me for 5 straight weeks.  The confusion of what this will mean to my life as I know it.  The overwhelming pressure of not telling people, and then, even worse, of telling people who don't necessarily understand how hard it can be to tell people.  The decision to blog or not to blog this very personal experience.  The utter dissatisfaction of decaf tea.  THE LOSS OF WINE.  The frustration of bigger boobs getting in the way of my arm-movement.  The worry that I'm not eating well enough.  The fear that I will have no idea how to take care of this thing once it comes out, let alone while it's in there.  The constant fucking panic that any little twinge is a sign of something going horribly wrong. 

This is a big deal, you guys.  Some days, hours, minutes I am truly so excited and looking forward to every little bit.  Other days, hours, minutes, I just don't know what to do with myself. 

So, my own personal reality of pregnancy and parenthood is soon to be revealed.  I've even been keeping a "what I would tweet if the biggest thing in my life wasn't a giant secret" diary to share with y'all over the next few posts.  Buckle in. 

For those of you who learned this ahead of time, consider this your official authorization to share the news with others!  I know the few days of secrecy has been HELL for you, but we do appreciate it.  In fact, maybe even direct curious people here, since this is where the whole truth comes straight from the pregnant horse's mouth.  So to speak. 

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Where the fuck have I been? Not shopping.

Well, not dead, in case you were worried.  Not that many of you actually bothered to check.  Assholes. 

I'm not sure what that little month-long hiatus was all about.  It has been busy, with work, and Christmas, and you know, life.  But no worse than all the other times I've been drowning in my own misery while still managing to tell you all about it. 

For the record, I did write a whole post a couple of weeks ago, but my fucking Blogger iPhone app mysteriously lost the post when I tried to save it.  I cried a bit, and of course complained to my friends on the twitter, but I never re-wrote the damn thing.  Lazy bum. 

So here I am, a mere matter of days before Christmas and I have not even written to tell you that I've actually been in a damn pleasant Christmas mood for once!  (Compared to last year...)

When we put the Christmas lights in November, I didn't even care that it wasn't the official socially-accepted December 1st cut-off -- I totally turned those fuckers on every night at 4:30 like it was Santa's goddam village. 

When I say "we" put up the Christmas lights... that *might* be Hubby.

Since then I've been singing carols, and eating junk food, and doodling elf doodles, and watching holiday movies like is the last Christmas known to humanity (which if the Mayans have any say in it, it probably is). 

Elf doodles

I think the best part about this Christmas was that we agreed with our families: NO GIFTS.  This has seriously made all the difference to my otherwise Scroogy nature.  I find I'm not stressed about finding the perfect present, or making time to shop, or falling into the front door overloaded with bags and bags of crap.  I don't have to keep track of receipts.  I don't have to attempt to WRAP oddly shaped gadgets without ripping the paper.  I don't even have to THINK about anything other than visiting with my family, staring at my Christmas tree, and drinking gallons of eggnog.  Best.  Christmas.  Ever. 

Where's Waldo Tuxedo Cat

Now, I did get a couple of small tokens for those closest to us.  And I did send some gifts to friends who live far away.  I'm not a total asshole about it.  But the giant list of things to buy?  No such thing.  And it may be one of the better decisions I've ever made. 

I hope y'll are having a wonderful holiday time, or at least that you're drunk enough to pretend.