Wednesday, 15 June 2011

I need a chauffeur. And maybe a gun.

I HATE driving.  It pisses me off and I'd rather let someone else take care of it for me.  Like putting out the garbage and unloading the dishwasher.  It's a pesky effing chore that I could very easily do without.  

Except I could not actually do without it.  I need to drive places.  Not only do I live in a  suburb, but I am DAMN lazy - so walking is OUT.  

Now.  Let me just say this.  We have only lived in this city for two and a half years a short time.  And it's possible that I don't know my way around very well.  Probably. 

I mean, I generally know where I am, but finding a particular highway on-ramp, just for argument's sake, might be slightly challenging.  Maybe

So when I left Hubby's concert at midnight last night I guess it's a possibility that I drove back and forth underneath the highway, criss-crossing the city at least half-way home before I found an on-ramp. 

Which, had that happened, may have pissed me RIGHT OFF.  Which would not bode well for the douche bag that almost killed me in our traffic circle. 

Beyond all that, what should have been a 20 minute drive to work this morning took over an hour because the highway (that I was, in fact, able to locate, thankyouverymuch) was reduced to ONE. EFFING. LANE. 

So then I blew that popsicle stand to take a main road into town.  But of course everyone else had that same damn thought.  So then I switched roads again and got stuck behind some asshole GOING THE EFFING SPEED LIMIT. 

My only redemption was when I drove through downtown.  (Get ready to be jealous.) 

I, in driving past our country's federal buildings, glanced up and got a peak at my adorable crush, the famous dreamboat Parliamentarian Mr Justin Trudeau himself

Oh so cute.
And even better, I got to see him casually jogging to catch the Parliament Hill House of Commons mini bus.

I need one of these to drive me to work.

And THEN at work I got the best. email. ever. from Hubby, which made me laugh so hard that people thought I had really lost my marbles.  For sure this time. 

(Don't get all sensitive though.  He means well.)

Whats wrong with Americans

Family feud question was, Name something you would give a nickname.

Some answers were spouse, dog, teddy bear, and the last one i was thinking was maybe an instrument but i doubted it.

It turned out that it was a gun. They give their guns a nickname.


Seriously guys. What's up with that?



  1. I was all ready to offer to be your driver. Because that's just how wonderful I am. But then you had to make fun of Americans, eh? So, now you can drive yourself.

    For the record, the only person I know who owns a gun is one of my sisters. And she's a cop so it's kind of a requirement of her job. But it doesn't have a nickname. I think most Americans (but not me for obvious reasons) have a nickname for their penises...not their guns, eh?

  2. I have also played the "let's just drive NEXT to the freeway" game. Even if I know the area reasonably well. Even if the area is actually the area I grew up in.

    The gun thing? Yeah. I'm not surprised. People here name their guns. It's kind of along the the same line of thinking as naming your car, which I only did once, but the only because the car really deserved to be named.

  3. There's so much to say.
    a. I'm TOTALLY jealous you drive a spaceship.
    b. why doesn't your spaceship fly?
    c. I HATE other drivers.
    d. I don't know who that guy is, but he has nice eyes. I'd do him.
    e. I don't have a gun. I have guns. But if I had one, I'd name it cheese curd.

  4. LACE - Hubby too! :)

    jacqui - No! Don't be mad! Please drive me around! We mostly just make fun of Family Fued. We love Americans. We just don't get the gun thing...?

    Ang - I totally get the car naiming thing! Only when it REALLY deserves it.

    Steph - Flying spaceships are illegal in Canada. It's the one down-side. You can't have him! He's mine! Cheesy curd is a stupid name for a gun. Sorry.

  5. PS
    I understand naming your gun. I don't understand HAVING one. We don't have guns. Unless they're hunting guns. And then even then we don't name them. I don't think.

  6. I'm not sure what's up with the gun naming either (and I'm an American and one who got her first gun when she was 7).
    What is it with big blue vans? I had one turn in front of me while going through an intersection recently, nearly t-boned the guy.

  7. lol Flying spaceships were made illegal with the baby walkers. not to be mistaken with the baby exersaucer. Baby walkers have wheels and Canadians are too stupid to protect their babies in moving objects, so of course we couldn't be trusted with spaceships that actually fly. And with the continuing stupidity of Canadian drivers (I hate driving too), it is only serving to prove the government was right in revoking the baby walker right from us and our mobile children. and of course reinforcing their case for flightless spaceships.

    Blue vans are of the devil! I had one hold up a line for five minutes in a Tim Hortons drive thru. A lady was hanging out of the sliding passenger door in the back making an order. Why? I'd post more, but I think I hijacked this enough. sorry.

  8. I had something I was going to write that only I would think was funny but then the gun issue came up. I effing hate guns and don't get why people here in America need to have an effing uzi by the side of their bed for "home protection". It's insane. There's more of a reason for my hatred of them but I'm already being a Debbie Downer.

    So, what SarcasmInAction said. :)

  9. I am an American, and I have never named a gun. I do, however, have a broadsword whose name is "Carlos."

  10. Ashes - Got your first gun when you were 7?! Wow. I guess a gun would come in really handy on the playground. :)

    LACE - Flightless spaceships. Nice. And don't be sorry! I love to hear everything y'all are thinking!

    Elle - Oh no. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. We're such close neighbours, Americans and Canadians, but some of the cultural differences are so interesting to me. A Sociology degree will do that to a person, I guess,

    Hoodyhoo - I just googled "broadsword". Wtf??

  11. For the record, I totally understand hunting rifles just as I understand why people think hunting is fun and why sometimes it is a necessary part of animal control. That being said, I REALLY hate the concept of hand guns for "protection."

  12. Americans are obsessed with their fucking guns. My BIL has a ton of guns. Remember when I tweeted from my family Memorial Day get-together that there was a gun lying across the bed? Yeah. That was at his house.

    I am glad that I am not the only one who can get lost--well, not lost exactly, but unable to figure out how to get from point A to point B in the most expedient route possible while in a moving vehicle. I can make a wrong turn two blocks from my building and not realize I am going the wrong way for MILES.

  13. Ang - Noted. Me too.

    Handflapper - Oh yeah, that WAS weird. Gun on the bed.

  14. Yeah, I make fun of Family Feud because the people/contestants? Are generally weird and jittery and buzzer happy.

    As for the gun thing? Guns terrify me. I am genuinely shocked and uncomfortable if I find out that someone I know has one. Not sure why people would nickname guns but then again, I named my garden gnome Marcel. :)

  15. Elle P - Oh the contestants are the best friggin part! Freaks! I hear you on the gun stuff. Marcel. lol. You're a freak too!

  16. Aha! I found the post about Marcel. For your reading enjoyment:

  17. Oh *good*? You know gnomes freak me the fuck out, right? Ok, I'll go read it now, but if I get scared I'm gonna be PISSED.

  18. Was I scared when I got lost?? No, I kinda knew where I was and I managed to keep my cool (a testiment to my meds, I'm sure). I was just annoyed.

    Or was I scared of something else?

  19. Oh the gnome! Of COURSE I was scared. That dude is menacing.