Tuesday, 29 November 2011

The little shit knew JUST what she was doing

As you know quite well, I'M A CAT PERSON. 

I have two adorable family members of the feline variety, as well as several cat relatives and cat friends.  I fancy myself a bit of a cat whisperer. 

I'm like Elmyra.  I see a cat - any cat - and I run toward it.  "Kiiiiiitttttty!!!"  It could be a flea-infested, matted mongrel in a little New Orleans bistro and I'll still chase it down.   

My Quasi Step Dad has a cat.  Breyer.  She's grumpy and rude, but I bribe her with treats. 

My pregnant twin-mom friend has a cat.  One time her husband was calling it and I responded with repeated meows from the basement.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, while my friend and I laughed hysterically.  The cat was outside all along. 

I even have blogger cat friends.  Miss Jacqui and Miss Sarcasm have cats.  But Jacqui thinks hers is evil, and Miss Sarcasm says hers belongs to the devil.  At least I adore them - even if it is from a distance. 

One of my closest cat friends is Miss Mittens.  Mittsie lives next door.  Her legs and head are disproportionately small for her body and her toes are white.  She cuddles with me when I house-sit.

Mittens is a rabble rouser.  

One time she took off out the front door.  It was cold and rainy and I just couldn't leave her, so I followed her out into the front yard.  She led me across her yard, then across my yard, then into my other neighbours' yard - all the while staying just out of my reach.  Then she ducked under my fence and into my backyard.  "Damn it Mittsie!"

I gave up and went back to her house.  But when I glanced out the back door, she was sitting on the edge of her pool drinking the water.  "You little shit."

I crept outside to get her, but her mama didn't raise no fool.  "Nope" she said.  She was obviously cold, the little r-tard, but she led me around the pool anyway, allowing me to inch closer and closer, but not close enough.  Finally she stopped, so I scooped her up and brought her in. 

The stupid bugger knew JUST what she was doing.  She was happy to come inside. It just had to be on HER terms. 

Well, I guess I can relate to that.   

Adorable Mittsie

Mittens died last week, very tragically and unexpectedly.  Thinking of you my little darling. 

Sunday, 27 November 2011

My Holiday Spirit flew the coop

I seem to have lost my Holiday Spirit.  My Holiday Spirit got a taste of my Crazy and got the hell outta here for fear it was contagious.  Turns out it is. 

Most years as it gets cold, as the snow starts to fall, as the decorations start to appear, my Holiday Spirit gets stronger and stronger.  It gets excited about digging out the garland and lights.  It starts to make mental shopping lists.  It looks forward to wearing a Santa hat and a blinking Rudolph nose. 

Not this year. 

This year my Holiday Spirit is watching Christmas commercials, watching Americans get into the post-turkey Black Friday frenzy, watching the lights go up around the neighbourhood.  Watching.  From the outside, looking in. 

Last Christmas I decided it was too much to travel to Hometown.  The thought of packing up the gifts and rushing around on the tour of relatives' houses threatened a level of frustration equivalent to watching 48 hours of The View. 

So I hosted dinner for 20 people instead. 

Yeah, I know.  But I wanted to try something different.  I wanted to have the best of both worlds - our family and our own house.  It worked out well, I thought.   I loved not having to load up the car and drive through the snow.  I loved lighting a fire and opening gifts and bottle of wine under our tree.  Our third Christmas in our own home, and yet only the first Christmas in our own home. 

But when it it was all over, I was so tired.  I decided I needed a few weekends to recover.  A few weekends soon turned into all of January.  My birthday in February was the only weekend I really left the house.  When Spring came and I couldn't get out of bed, it all went to shit from there. 

But over the last year I've worked really fucking hard to pull myself out of that miserable hole. 

And now? Now the thought of Christmas is exhausting.  The energy it takes to shop, and wrap, and decorate, and pack, and drive, and visit, and unwrap, and eat, and smile, and laugh is just a too much for my formally lively Holiday Spirit to bear. 

I'm just now getting back on track.  I'm just now finding a way to get up every day, and to go easier on myself, and to create a new routine - a new way of thinking.  I've been systematically identifying and trying to eliminate the Crazy.  Christmas just throws a wrench into that whole plan. 

So the new plan is to not make plans.  I'm going to take one week at a time and see if my Holiday Spirit finds me.  'Cause there's no way in hell I'll venture out into the cold hunting for it. If it wants to emerge from the shadows and face reality, FINE.

If not, I'll just skip Christmas altogether and look forward to my beach resort vacation in January. 

Because, as it turns out, my Vacation Spirit is entirely unaffected by my Crazy.  In fact, I think it was spawned from it. 

Thursday, 24 November 2011

It may be Thanksgiving, but I can do whatever I want AS MUCH AS I WANT

Yes, I'm still alive and kickin.  I just haven't felt all that inspired lately.  Sorry.  Don't leave me!

That said, I did write a little something for my lovely friend Elle at her new group site A Nervous Tic Motion.  I'm so proud to be associated with this great group of writers.  You simply must go check it out.  They cover every possible topic under the sun, and they do it well.  Elle is even looking for a few more semi-regular contributors, so you should totally contact her. 

This is my Nervous Tic for today. 


I recently bought myself a kickass new iPhone.

Actually, I didn’t buy it myself as much as I took the money from Hubby when he sold some random power tool or something. I happen to have a hard time treating myself to fun new things, but that may be a story for another day.

The point is, I GOT A KICKASS NEW iPHONE. Go me.

Now. I’m Canadian and we already had our Thanksgiving (although it’s not nearly as fun as yours with all the shopping, and the sugar-covered meals, and Mayflower plays, but still).

So in honoUr of my many wicked-ass American pals, I’ve decided to list the things I am grateful for. Regarding my kickass new iPhone.

1) I can pitter patter my butt all over twitter AS MUCH AS I WANT.

2) I can take random pictures of my cats AS MUCH AS I WANT.

3) I can send texts to everyone I know AS MUCH AS I WANT

4) Autocorrect.

5) I can text pictures of my cats to Hubby AS MUCH AS I WANT.

6) I can tweet pictures of my cats AS MUCH AS I WANT.

7) I can play Diamond Dash as much as I want. Or as often as my lives get renewed, which is stupid because it should just let me play it all the time, but the effing thing only gives me 5 lives every half hour or whatever so I have to wait between games and so I lose my rhythm and get pissed off.

8 ) I can find a map as often as I need to, which is ALWAYS because I’ve only lived in this city for three years a short time and I never know where I am.

In conclusion, I am thankful for my kickass new iPhone. And my cats.

"Yeah. I'm sitting on the vent.  So what?"

"Really? More pictures? Seriously?"

Thank god for autocorrect.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Not every day sucks - today notwithstanding

I had a good day yesterday.  For three specific reasons. 

Number One, I posted a "how to quit being so selfless and considerate" like-Cosmo-but-so-much-friggin-better quiz on Cheesy Bloggers

If I've learned nothing over the last several months by fighting nasty-ass Depression and Anxiety, I've at least learned this: I simply MUST find a way to ease up on myself.  I need to check-in once in a while.  I need to give myself the same credit and forgiveness I'd give others.  I need to make room

My old habit of shoving every simple (yet unwanted) emotion into the depths of my soul only meant that I eventually maxed out my capacity and the whole effing shit-show just exploded black depression bile and red anxiety toxins all over my life. 

Hence the quiz.  This quiz will gauge how well you treat yourself - regardless of how well you treat others.  You should take the quiz (HERE) and email it to CheesyBloggers@gmail.com.  Then I'll "evaluate" your responses with my very "advanced" and "scientific" scoring "strategy". 

Number Two, I applied some of my new "mindfulness" depression and anxiety strategies EXPERTLY. 

A douchebag was sorta trying (inadvertently, I think) to take advantage of me to support his own ego trip.  My first inclination was to just go along with it and hope he'd get bored and move on.  I could see through him, so it didn't matter.  I was also afraid that if I blew him off he'd badmouth me.  And I thought it'd just be easier to put up with it, rather than nip it in the bud. 

Well, despite my reservations, I NIPPED THAT SHIT IN THE BUD, man.  I politely expressed my disinterest in having anything to do with him and saved myself the pain in the ass of letting him walk all over me. 

This may sound stupid, it's a huge accomplishment.  I said "No thanks" even though my gut reaction was to say, "Well, ok, I guess, if I have to, and if I can't get out of it, and if it might turn out badly."

Number Three, I got home only to find the most exciting possible thing in my kitchen (aside from Hubby).  I found a UPS package!  From my darling friend Miss Chicktuition!  I entered her photo contest and she sent me my winnings!  This was seriously the chocolate topping on my peanut butter cake.  Thanks Jacqui!

My "Stay Away From My Mug" Mug; my "Terribly Witty Ideas By Me" notebook; my pink pens and stickies; and a ridiculous amount of adorable chocolate that got eaten within five minutes.  And of course, Miss Chick's button. 

*** You should know that I wrote this earlier this morning before my day at work went to shit and then my car starting making the worst noise in Canada.  But whatever. 

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Is there anything better than shopping with Hubby?

Today was Day Two of a very challenging two-day shopping excursion with Hubby.  And there ain't gonna be a Day Three. 

Day One's primary purpose was to find a cover for my kickass new iPhone.  I want to replace the Plain Jane one I already use.  And although I also have a SWEET pink lizard skin cover, it doesn't provide sufficient protection from the high likelihood that I will drop and/or smash my little gem within mere months, weeks, or even days of owning it. 


Hubby followed me into Future Shop, Best Buy, Bell, Rogers, Fido, Koodo, The Source, and every other phone-related store in Canada.  And of course I never found the perfect cover.  I might just have to design it myself.  I basically want it to be identical to my awesome pink lizard skin, but with better smash-protection. Too picky, according to Hubby. 

As a secondary purpose to yesterday's shopping trip, we were also keeping our eyes peeled for a new winter coat for Hubby.  Winter up in the Great White North is nothing to sneeze at (unless you don't have a warm enough parka so you catch a cold and can't stop sneezing). 

So today, Hubby's coat became the primary purpose of venturing outwardly, and my iPhone cover got unapologetically shoved to the back burner. 

Well, didn't Hubby try a million effing coats.  And of course the one he liked best was $1,050.  Yes, One Thousand and Fifty.  ONE THOUSAND.  I don't even know how he got to the point of trying it on in the first place. 

So we walked our asses all over the biggest mall in town only to end up back at the first store, debating over the very first coat. 

No it doesn't look too tight.  Yes the sleeves are a little long.  But yes, it will be very warm - 80% wool is very warm.  Yes, I love that it's grey.  It fits well.  Do you really need to lift your arms overhead? The pockets are nice. No, your money won't fall out of them.

I eventually just sat in the corner ignoring him while he hemmed and hawed. 

And of course he ended up buying it. 

By that time, I had abandoned whatever meagre interest I originally had.  Just make a decision.  And even though he claims he'd be quite pleased to go without me, we both know I'd get stuck returning whatever piece of shit he came home with.  Like last time, with the bumble bee polo shirt. 

There was one highlight of today's trip, however. 

Some poor old bat was driving like a sleeping toad, and to make matters worse, she proceeded to plough herself over the curb of the mall parking lot and TOTALLY BUST HER TIRE. 

I was so surprised that I couldn't even laugh as hard as I wanted to.  She totally demolished it.  Flattest. Tire. In Canada. 

I simply could NOT resist taking this:

Ha! Shitty buzz. 

At least my day wasn't that bad.

Monday, 7 November 2011

You should be following me on twitter. Or on iPhone.

You may already know that I recently got a kickass new iPhone.  And if I wasn't addicted to twitter before, well, you know. 

And on top of that, now I can text my friends and family and Hubby as often as I like.  In fact, I pretty much just copy my tweets and text them to people who don't follow me on twitter.  BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER. 

Anyway, I love that Hubby and I can text whenever we want now.  We always emailed often, but texting is more fun.  Especially when you get to see it in the fun iPhone format with the little talking bubbles.  The talking bubbles are the best part. 

Problem is, Hubby leaves his iPhone in the car while he's at work, so he misses my many clever texts.  And my not-so-clever texts.  And my emergency texts.  Like when there's a fire alarm at work. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Proof positive that mornings are assholes

Hubby bought a car.  He bought a car and he did so even though I was supposed to be the one getting the new car. He beat me to it and I'm going to kick his ass. 

As much as he loves his pickup truck, his new job doesn't really require it, and he's actually been driving more (if that's possible).  I'm not sure if you've heard, but gas is a little pricy. 

[Sidebar:  When we were in New Orleans, gas was $3.30 per gallon.  I want to point out that up here in Canada, we pay $1.25 per litre.  My calulation reveals that we pay 32 cents MORE per litre than Americans do! And there are almost four litres in a gallon! Which means we pay, like, $4.50 a gallon!  $4.50! WTF you guys?]

So gas is expensive.  And Hubby had to make a tough decision to let go of his precious pickup and buy a car. 

Oh, pooooooooor Hubby. 

What's so bad about Hubby buying a new car, you ask?  Of course the problem is that it's an inconvenience to me.  I had to help him drive it home, seeing as he can't really drive two vehicles at one time - especially if he's texting. 

Well, I totally effed up the whole car-switching plan (two people, three cars, and asshole mornings that make it difficult for me to take the bus).  So... the shit-show ended with me leaving my car parked at the office last night. 

This morning I was supposed to take the bus to work and then drive my car home. 

But as I may have mentioned previously: mornings are ASSHOLES. 

I had a tricky time getting up today, but even when I did manage to get my ass out of bed everything still went to shit. 

First Tuxedo wouldn't get off my neck.  Which is ok, becasue he is the cutest thing in Canada, but still. 

This is real.
Then I had outfit issues. 

Then I had to let the neighbour's dog out, but I didn't have the key because I left it in my car (which was, of course, still at the office). 

So I struggled through the neighbour's garage and then struggled to get Doggie outside. 

By then I was late for the bus.  But I was determined. 

I drove half-way to the mall bus station (in Hubby's truck) before I realized that I wasn't wearing my glasses and I couldn't see a fucking thing. 

So I TURNED AROUND and drove home. 

Then I spent 10 minutes searching for my goddam glasses. WHICH I FOUND IN MY LAUNDRY HAMPER.  No, I don't have a clue. 

Then I decided to change my jacket to a warmer one. 

And of course forgot my phone in the pocket. 

By this time I was way too late for the bus, so I drove to work - in Hubby's truck... WHICH REQUIRED GAS - and parked his truck RIGHT NEXT TO MY CAR at the office.  So we have three cars, and two of them were parked in my office parking lot. 

The same office parking lot that has some remarkably passive aggressive parkers who leave angry notes on windshields.  Including this one that I saw on someone's window the other day.

Luckily this one wasn't on my windshield, but I still took a picture of it.

So I left my car at the office again tonight, and I'll attempt the whole damn thing once more tomorrow.