Saturday, 11 June 2011

An open letter to my neighbour

To the old guy a few doors down:

I get that you're chatty. 

I get that you're starving for attention and conversation because clearly your wife cannot stand you anymore. 

But I don't need to hear about your new 6-foot satellite dish that you're having installed next to your other 5 satellite dishes.  Especially when Hubby already spent an hour - yes and HOUR - hearing about them last winter when you cornered him at the end of our driveway. 

We get it. You're a freak. 

I'm also not really interested in the fact that you're one of the few "originals" on our street.  That you know how many times each of the 12 houses has changed hands.  One by one. 

Or that you were here 30 years ago when the builder made a little mistake and you complained to the city because it just HAD to be fixed, and you made every neighbour pay a couple hundred bucks to have their back yards dug up, all so the pipe UNDER THE GROUND would be in the "correct" place 3 feet further north. 

No, I don't really care about that.  

And as friendly as you are, I don't need to hear "just one more thing" before I manage to escape inside.  Even if it is that you're inviting us to your cottage this summer. 

Will you be there?  'Cause I'd be glad to go, but only if you won't be there. 

Oh, you WILL be there?  And if I want to come, there are some rules?  Well, let's here 'em. 

Rule number one: No one shows up unannounced.  It's not THAT kind of cottage. 

Fair enough.  I can't picture myself just showing up voluntarily anyway.  No worries there.

Rule number two: If we call you, we have to let the phone ring a dozen times first.  Like a test of commitment. 

Oh, don't even start with me old man.  I can out-ring you any. day. of. the. week.  I was once the queen of radio call-in contests - I can ring with the best of them.

Rule number three:  It's an island, so we can't be afraid of water.  If we're afraid of water, than this cottage is NOT for us.

Oh! You got me there.  The first two rules I could deal with, but that third one?  That third one is a DOUZY. 

I'll let you know if I ever recover from my terror, and we'll be there!  (Announced ahead of time. Via a 12-ring telephone call.)

See you then!

Marianna Annadanna


  1. Bleah. I get caught in conversations like that sometimes so when I finally extricate myself I tend to avoid and snub the talker the next few times we meet but then I feel guilty so I allow a conversation to start and it goes exactly the way all prior conversations have gone so I remember why I avoided in the first place so i go back to avoiding and then I feel guilty again and, well, it's just a vicious circle.

  2. Is this letter to your neighbor or to my neighbor? Oh wait...I don't think mine has a cottage.

    I do like that 12 ring rule. I should use that for everyone so I'll know if what they are calling me about is important enough for me to answer the phone or not.

  3. Sharyn - I know, right?! It's JUST like that with this guy too!

    jacqui - I assume everyone has a neighbour like this one. But omg - you're just like him! Ahhh!

  4. I'm dying from laughing. Sorry. hehehe. I think this is an open letter to my father-in-law but I'm pretty sure he would've told us he moved up to Canada though. In a very detailed way, using graphs, maps, and talking for 4 hours straight. He's like the Chinese water torture of conversations.

  5. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure my father-in-law is one of those neighbors. But, he lives in a small town in a rural area, and EVERYONE is like that up there.

  6. It's true. It does seem like a rural lifestyle, doesn't it?!

  7. I do NOT have a neighbour like that, so please keep writing about yours!

  8. Thanks? I'm glad you can take some pleasure in my misery? I do have some enviable pool neighbours too, at least. :P

  9. I too am weirdo-bait. You have my sympathies!

  10. This is why I just don't make eye contact with my neighbors and wear my ipod at all times while outdoors.

  11. Now I feel bad when I "corner" our neighbour. Thanks a. lot! Yes, I'm the crazy lady starved for adult conversation and now I must hide in my house as I'm afraid I look like the man you just described. :S Except I'm a woman.

  12. hoodyhoo - Weirdo-bait. So true.

    Rachel - Well that just sounds like it's a bit too far in the *other* direction... ;)

    LACE - ha! Don't stop cornering your neighbours. Just blog stalk them and see if they write about you.

  13. I could beat anybody in a a ringing contest.


  14. THAT is a perfect example of why I never talk to my neighbors :)

  15. No kidding! I should no better by now...