Saturday, 28 April 2012

Randy Fenoli is an adorable genius

My best friend Skippy is getting married next year!  So excited for her.  I'm even more excited that she picked yours truly to be her Maid of Honour.  (Don't ever say Matron. I WILL kick you in the kidney.)

As part of my Maid of Honour duties, I saw an ad for a bridal show taking place in Buttfuck Nowhere 40 minutes outside of Hometown.  So what? you may be wondering. 

Well, first of all, you should know that leaving work, driving to Hometown, and then driving to a CHURCH in Buttfuck Nowhere for a bridal show was not necessarily my idea of the best Friday night activity ever. 

But I was WRONG. 

Not only were there yummy meatballs at one of the kiosks, and not only was there a 17 year old Courtney Love wannabe hanging around for me to make fun of, but there was also...


I  kid you not, my friends. 

"Look at me. I'm an adorable genius with a gorgeous outfit."

Now. What in god's name Randy was doing in Buttfuck is a question for someone far smarter than me,  However, he did happen to appear on the Marilyn Dennis Show in Toronto the day before, so maybe he was just maximizing his time here in the Great White North.

In any case, Randy was fabulous.  He didn't merely show up - he did a whole presentation.  He told stories, made jokes, showed pictures, answered questions, and signed at least a couple hundred autographed headshots.  He was genuine, kind, and honest.  And he looked adorable. 

Randy with Skippy's future mother in law.  That's not her real face. 

Randy's whole message to brides, and to women in general, was to elevate themselves.  We are all beautiful.  We all deserve happiness.  And our weddings should reflect the story of who we are as women.  We can have what we want.  We just have to go out there and grab it. 

I now heart Randy Fenoli. 

*A special dedication to Multi Tasking Mumma who, I found out later, was actually at this same friggin event with me.  Totally random that we'd be in the same blogging circles, and then accidentally cross paths in real life - only to figure that out when it was too late to actually chat.  Classic prank, Interwebs.  Classic prank.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Fill in the blank whatever effing day this is

Today I spent the entire day thinking it had to be at least Wednesday.   

Also, added to the mass confusion APRIL SNOW creates regarding what fucking season it actually is, work is a shit show for a several different reasons. 

Oh, and my meds continue to decrease while sometimes I feel that my Crazy continues to increase. 

All of this means I have no idea what the hell is going on, let alone what day it is. 

It also means I need to do a better job of chilling the fuck out. 

So even though this "Fill in the Blank Friday" thing is supposed to take place on Fridays, I've never really been one to do what I'm supposed to do.  Nor am I ever on time.  For anything.  Ever. 

Anyway, here it is.  Late.  As always. 

Today was a good day because
It's over. 

Tomorrow I will
Try to lighten up. 

My favorite time of day is
Not mornings.  Mornings are assholes.  I think I like hometime the best. Especially when Hubby picks me up from the office and we drive home together.  I also like cat cuddle time.  And texting/twitter time. 

Sometimes you just have to
Curse.  Call people names.  Express utter frustration.  Cry. 

A song that I can't get enough of lately is
That damn "Somebody That I Used to Know" song.  I was really loving it, but now it's in my head all the damn time and I might be getting sick of it.  Shame.  So, the song I can't get enough of right this minute (or ever, for that matter) is the song Hubby is currently playing on the guitar.  My wedding song. 

My favorite accessory is
My heels.  I love my high heels.  Sometimes they hurt my old lady knees but I don't care. 

My favorite thing about this week was
Hmmm.  Walking with my friend v on Sunday.  Cold grey weather, but crisp and fresh and preceded by cookies.  Excellent combo. 

You should totally go check out Linny's Vault (whose Fill in the Blanks I always enjoy) as well as her friend at The Little Things We Do, (who I think came up with the whole genius idea). 

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

My blog is magic


I was just sitting here staring at my blog wondering what I should write about when I started to think maybe I was totally out of writing material - like maybe I'd used it all up. 

After however long I've been blogging, I must have maxed out my allotted number of ideas or something because I've really been drawing a blank lately. 

Then I started re-reading a few of my older posts, just for... well, no reason really, and then I got super bored (because who cares about my older posts?) so I started wondering "how long has it been since I started blogging, anyway?"


TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but TODAY.

Which can only mean one thing.  Ok two things. 

First, I am clearly a weird fucking psychic or some such thing and you all should be asking me for advice and lottery numbers. 

But second, and perhaps more importantly, my blog is giving me a sign that I need to push through this recent period of minimal inspiration and stick with it, because I've been doing this for two years, yo, and it's still friggin FUN.  Not to mention it is quite obviously magical

And if this blog allows me to tap into my magical side, I'm all for it.  I think I'll get a wand.  Where can one purchase a wand?  Do they have those at Target?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

A map of my favourite dead person spot

I went walking with Momma on Sunday.  I have a favourite walking place in Hometown, with gorgeous paths through the woods on the lake.  I love it.  It makes me happy and helps me find peace and it is therefore where you all should throw me when I die.  My ashes, I mean.  Not my body.  That would be weird. 

My favourite spot

I told Momma she'll have to show Hubby where my favourite spot is - you know, for my ashes.  But then it occurred to me that I kinda hope Momma's not still alive when I die.  I mean, OF COURSE I DO, but if I die before her..., I think that's somehow worse, isn't it? 

Although, come to think of it, that'd be WAY easier on me emotionally, so maybe it is a good idea for me to kick the bucket ahead of time.  

In any case, I now think it's important to draw a map of my favourite spot so you will all know where I want to be laid to "rest".  (Not that it really matters.  I'll be dead.  I won't know.)

When you throw me over the edge, you should also be sure to bring some birdseed.  I love feeding the birds at my Happy Place.  Maybe just try not to mix up the ashes and the birdseed.  I don't want birds eating me, if it can be avoided.  (But again, maybe I'll never know.  But maybe I will.  Maybe I'll haunt and follow you all everywhere you go, pointing out all your mistakes and laughing at you.  That sounds like me.)

Me feeding a bird.  Like Mary Poppins. 
If you need any further instructions, you should probably contact Hubby.  Or Momma. Even if she's already dead.  She's a little psychic or something, so I think if you called her, she'd probably just show up.  Watch out though - she's known to sneak up on people. And she's startling when she's alive, so dead? She'd be a friggin heart stopper. 

Monday, 9 April 2012

I had a run-in with a grumpy old bitch in the grocery store

On Saturday morning Hubby and I were planning to leave for Hometown at about 10am.  We got up in time, did some laundry, wrapped some gifts, packed some bags, and tried to set up the auto-feeder for the kitties. 

Well, of course, the effing thing wasn't working.  We tried changing the battery, but it was apparently the motor that had failed.  So Hubby took off to Canadian Tire, Walmart, and Petsmart looking for a replacement, leaving time for me to hit the grocery store to pick up pancake fixins for brunch at Momma's on Sunday morning. 

Who's been to the grocery store on Easter Saturday? Anyone? Bueller?  If you have, you know what an asshole it is.  The trick is, you have to go in knowing what to expect, and to just ignore everyone.  But I was already low on tolerance and high on attitude, so a run-in was entirely bound to happen. 

After angrily driving around the crammed parking lot, with no lack of honking and cursing, I finally found a decent spot and rushed into the store.  I was on a mission:  pancake mix and frozen berries.  That was it.  Two targets; one large friggin obstacle course. 

It started out well.  I swooped in between all the idiots who don't know which door to enter or exit, deaked in between everyone in the produce section, slid between carts and aisles, with my eye on the PRIZE. 

Once I got to the cash registers I realized how bad this was going to be.  It was PACKED.  People and carts and baskets loaded up and jamming the whole front half of the store.  No discernible lines, all one giant jumble of morons lingering and getting in my way. 

I managed to get over to the far right side, with my two items in hand, ready to line up in the express lane. 

Now.  I may have been low on tolerance and high on attitude, but I was holding it together.  It was Easter Saturday.  Everyone was miserable.  I can be patient. 

So I stood in the pool of people waiting for the express cashiers, and that's when it happened.  The poor old bat.  She had no idea what she was in for. 

Grumpy Old Lady: Excuse me.  Excuse me, which line are you in?

Me: Uh, whichever one opens up first. 

You see, there were a lot of people milling about, and I much prefer to just let people who were there before me go ahead, relying on others' honesty and logic to ensure that I will get to pay as soon as my turn comes up.  I'm a big fan of the "first come, first served" approach when the physical set-up of the registers appropriately allows for it.  It's CIVILIZED, people. 

Grumpy Old Lady:  Well, I think you're going to have to pick a line.

Me: Um, no.  I thought we could just rely on the honour system to ensure that people who were here first will get to pay first.  Maybe YOU should pick a line.  (As I let another gal in front of me go, BECAUSE SHE WAS THERE FIRST.)

Grumpy Old Lady:  Well, that guy just butt in line, so...

Me: So go talk to that guy. 

Grumpy Old Bitch:  You have to pick a line. 

Me:  I'm not in a rush.  I don't know about you...

Bitch:  Well, I am in a rush. 

Me:  Then maybe you shouldn't have come here on Easter Saturday. 

Bitch:  ...

Me:  And Happy Easter! 

I think she wandered off and picked a line.  Simple solution, really.  Nutjob.