Monday, 12 August 2013

Let's be honest - what it's like to have a newborn

People kept telling me it would be hell.  That doesn't describe anything. That just scares me while also making me doubt that it's true.  So as I was laying in bed at 3am, I decided I needed a way to describe the joy/misery that is nerborn-dom.

I figure it's kinda like a natural disaster, a tornado or a hurricane.

First, the storm is coming.  You have some warning from the experts and you start to prepare, but you don't really know how bad it will be.  Will it be like the one you saw on tv? Or maybe it will pass right over you?

When the baby comes, the storm hits.  In an adrenaline-rushed flurry, you run to your storm cellar.  You grab whatever supplies you guess you'll need and you barely keep your wits about you. For the duration of the storm, you hold up in the dark and inevitably go nuts.  You're scared and you can't concentrate.  You have moments of lucidity and moments of panic.  You can't fall asleep, even if the noise outside did subside long enough for you to try.  You're terrified of what will become of you.  You cling to your partner to keep you sane and safe.

Not only that, but you are weak.  You've just finished competing in the iron woman competition and your whole body is wrecked. Also, you may or may not be recovering from a "saw the lady in half" magic trick you were forced to participate in yesterday (after the iron woman events).

On top of it, in a freak occurrence of nature, you are suffering from puberty, PMS, and menopause, simultaneously.

Oh, and there are stitches in your vagina.

Furthermore, you aren't alone in the cellar.  You've been entrusted with the care of a very tiny, very delicate baby koala bear.  Sure, it's a cute koala bear, but you have no idea how to take care of a koala bear, particularly in these traumatic circumstances.

And this isn't just any normal koala bear.  This is the world's most precious koala bear - a koala unicorn - the first and only of its kind known to humanity.  Should anything happen to this koala unicorn, you will never forgive yourself, and neither will society.

This goes on for a couple weeks - you locked down in the cellar during the longest tornado in Earth's history, scared and crippled by exhaustion.

But then the storm begins to subside. You inch your way to the cellar door and gently open it inch by inch, carefully emerging into the light.  Sure, there's an utter disaster around you, everything is a mess, and your whole world is wiped out.  Parts of your life before the storm have been lost forever (including bladder control) and you're generally very fragile.

HOWEVER, your surroundings have never looked so beautiful.  You're in awe of nature.  It may look grim in some ways, but also so promising in others.  Your friends, family, and neighbours will help you put your Humpty Dumpty world back together again.

Ultimately, you're hopeful that everything will be better than it was before.  You're just so fucking grateful that everything truly important - you, your family, and your koala unicorn - are safe and happy. Everything else will fall into place.


19 comments:

  1. Having lived through hurricanes, I can imagine that gut-fear of anticipating a storm.

    Then I read "stitches in your vagina." That alone has totally put me off from ever having kids. :P

    -Barb

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    1. yeah. the stitches. um...that was the worst part. The doctor was pretty much smacking my ass telling me to hold still. Now normally I like a good spanking but.......

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    2. Fair. I've not ever experienced a tornado or hurricane, and the fear is a different fear I'm sure. For me, the panic attacks during that first two weeks with the baby were equivalent to fear of death - irrational, of course, but present nonetheless!

      Plus, yes, vagina stitches. I can't imagine a c section. Or twins! Ah!

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    3. I found it kind of hilarious how the doctor was parked between my legs working away, like a painter or a mechanic, sewing me up... (Thank you epidural!)

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    4. Yeah the doc was down there working away so long I stopped oogling my baby to ask if everything was ok. Everything was fine, it was just odd to have her down there just doing her thing...

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    5. My epidural only worked on half of me... and I could FEEL the stitching. Hell. He had to give me another needle of local freezing to keep going.... *shudder*

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    6. I've heard of that one-sided epidural happening! Awful! My initial nurse was fairly inexperienced and ended up increasing my meds, so I really couldn't feel anything... They brought in the real nurses when they realized Fraggle was arriving WAY faster than mini-nurse thought! haha

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  2. Perfectly perfect and beautifully written.
    Love you.
    Give baby koalacorn a kiss from me.

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  3. A koala unicorn?! No wonder your vagina has stitches. And don't worry about your loss of bladder control...it's highly overrated.

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    1. Um, I rate "ability to hold one's pee" as pretty high on the priority list...

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  4. This is so cute. It really is sheer chaos in the beginning....wait, no, forevermore. :)
    My house was like a whole different place once my kids lived there. Strange. Some normalcy does return, not all, but some. And it takes a while. Your doing an awesome job momma, keep it up!
    <3 Devan

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  5. I had the twins AND the c-section. I'm pretty sure I've blocked it all from my memory or else WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN?

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  6. Utterly f*cking perfect description. The most beautiful, perfect, amazing baby koala unicorn ever. Well, yours in ON, and mine in BC.

    ;)

    I hope to blog soon. So much to talk about!
    Congrats on your koala.

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    1. I know, my mind races with things to write about, but when to find the time or the brain power?! Congrats to you too dear!

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  7. But most importantly, does the Koala Unicorn know my name yet? :) Thanks for sharing your story. The fact I still want to have kiddlings after reading this makes me certain I either finally have my shit together or have totally FN lost it. Or maybe a bit of both . . .

    xoxo

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    1. She may know your name, but right now I'm focused on her knowing my name. Or at least knowing i'm not the enemy. Right now she seems to think I'm the enemy...

      You've not lost it! Mother Nature is a trickster. It's hard, but it's pretty awesome too :)

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