Monday, 29 August 2011

I'm a guest poster!

Thanks to my darling friend Elle from This Is Mommyhood, I am officially published on a blog! (Other than the two I operate myself.)  Fame!  Finally!  Just what I've been waiting for!  Now I can retire and bask in the glow of my ever-lasting popularity.  Like the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block.  Oh... wait...

Anyway, this is what I wrote for Elle.  But you need to go check out my Q&A on her blog.  It will not be a waste of your time.  That's for sure. 

Also, you should read some of Elle's posts.  I like this one in particular.  Or if you've ever had kids you might be familiar with a little devil cartoon called Caillou.

PS - Elle and I combined our mutal brain power to come up with the title of this post - which I think was an EXCELLENT idea.

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Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Mary Poppins is a parenting inspiration.

Alternate title: Marianna will shank your ass if you eff with her, and parenting thoughts from the *almost* left handed amputee.

When my dear friend Elle began hunting for guest posters, I wasn’t sure I was the best person for the job. You see, Elle is so sweet, kind, genuine and funny. I, on the other hand, am kind of an asshole.

And on top of that, I don’t have kids, so I rarely have helpful advice for her the parenting department. I’m pretty useless, actually.

HOWEVER, my uterus has been pretty riled up lately, screaming at me to grow something inside it, so I’ve been doing some thinking about what kind of parent I want to be. Alors, here is my list of goals for my yet-unborn children.

Elle, I know you’ll find this extremely helpful. You’re welcome.

What my kids will inherit from me
Remarkable grace. And the ability to be tolerant, open-minded, and understanding. They had better not EVER assume that they know the whole story. They need to hold their judgments. Unless they’re judging Snookie. Snookie is an idiot of immense proportion.

What my kids will have to inherit from someplace else
The confidence to under-achieve. What I mean is, the confidence to know they are “successful” even if they don’t over-accomplish every little stupid thing in their whole entire lives. I don’t want them to lose their marbles like – ahem – someone I know. I want them be happy, not stressed.

What my kids will inherit from me
Willingness to read. I don’t really care what they read, as long as they read something. I think I might get them started on Twilight.

What my kids will have to inherit from someplace else
A distant relationship with television and the internet. Unless they’re watching Ellen. Or Jimmy Fallon. Or So You Think You Can Dance. Or The Young and The Restless. Or Roseanne. Or unless they’re blogging. Or reading blogs. Or watching Youtube. Or tweeting. No Facebook though. I HATE Facebook.

What my kids will inherit from me
Artistic ability. They should write, or draw, or act, or dance, or make macaroni castles. A creative outlet to express themselves is KEY. As long as they don’t collect old beer cans and build a beer can wall in the backyard, I’ll be on board. Maybe even then.

What my kids will have to inherit from someplace else
Athletic ability. In team sports. With other people. For the FUN of it. With Hubby to drive them to their games and practices, because I’m too lazy for that.

What my kids will inherit from me
Honesty. They should be straightforward and out-spoken. Passive aggression annoys me and I won’t receive it well from anyone – fruit of my loins or otherwise. They should speak their minds.

What my kids will have to inherit from someplace else
Politeness. Those little brats better be nice to people. They can have their own opinion but they better choose the right time to open their big mouths.

Finally, what my kids will inherit from me
Intelligence. They’ll be smart. I know it. They’ll even be smart enough to know that I’m always right. Oh… and English and Science and stuff.

And what my kids will have to inherit from someplace else
Patience. I’ll be there IN A MINUTE! If those little shits yell “Maaahhhhhhmm” one more time I’m gonna LOSE it.

So. Elle. There you have it. My top ten list of things all kids oughta be. Get on it, already, won’t ya?

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Thanks Elle.  Love ya. 

5 comments:

  1. This is all very exciting! Your fame, your ambitious uterus, your parenting skills...all of it.

    I know you'll be an awesome mother when Little Marianna and/or Little Hubby finally arrive. There's not a doubt in my mind.

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  2. Woot! Guest posting is AWESOME. :-D Congrats to you. I love the Q&A btw. Nicely done!

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  3. jacqui - Hopefully Little Mes... who needs Little Hubbys? ;)

    Jo - The Q&A was fun! Glad you liked it.

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  4. You are amazingly funny, I just started reading your blog and the best of luck on the baby thing. One word of advise forget about the child speaking their mind... you will not like it.. From what I can tell about your personality the first time that kid tells you they NEED this or GIMME that you will explode... I know :)

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  5. dogedog - Hey, thanks! You're probably right!

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