Tuesday, 2 October 2012

I don't live in Bumtown.

This morning I came downstairs with a babushka towel on my head, wearing my bath robe (aka house coat).  I was serving myself a cute little bowl of yogurt when Hubby pointed out that there was a random guy outside. 

Some ass bucket had backed his pickup truck into our driveway and was digging through our post-party recycling boxes to thieve our discarded bottles and cans. 

Now, in theory, this doesn't bother me.  In theory, if people want to get up early and rummage around through other people's trash, well, all the power to them. 

But in practice?  In practice, people are idiots and they need to stay the fuck away from my house. 

I know, I know.  I should just return the bottles to the store myself.  And if I'm not going to benefit from the bottle money, that someone else probably should. 

But I also know that the 3 measly dollars garnered by 1000 sticky beer bottles is not at all worth the headache of sorting and loading the damn things, let alone driving them around town. 

I also know that people are idiots and they need to stay the fuck away from my house. 

So, I put on my best "don't think I won't punch you" facial expression and boldly marched outside to ask the shithead if he was serious, if this was really necessary, and, of course, could he stop being an idiot and kindly stay the fuck away from my house.

Buddy wandered off, and Hubby started ranting that we were certainly, thanks to me, going to get shot - or robbed - or egged - at some point in the near future.  

But then, not FIVE MINUTES LATER, when Hubby went out to his car and there was ANOTHER wannabe-hobo with his fucking minivan backed up to our driveway... Well, needless to say, Hubby wasn't tolerating it any more than I was.

I'm not sure what Hubby said to Idiot Number 2, but I suspect it was something along the lines of "Stay the fuck away from my house.  Please."  Because Hubby's polite.

You guys.  This CANNOT be an unreasonable expectation.  I don't think it's absurd to want strangers to stay the fuck away from my house.  My quiet little street doesn't need them here, and I certainly don't need them scavenging through my stuff. 

This is a disturbing new trend.  It's unseemly.  It's annoying.  It's unnecessary.  And I will not hesitate to go marching out there every goddam week if I have to until these idiots get the hint.   



24 comments:

  1. I say just put that sign in your yard. The please is a nice touch. :)

    I always feel creeped out if someone is rummaging through my recycling.

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  2. Orrrrr.....You could fill a bag with the bottles and sit out there and tell the bums they can buy a bag for $5.

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  3. Creepy! If it's on the side of the road waiting for pick up, whatever...it's still uncalled for, but fine. For them to be backing their vehicles into your driveway?! Really weird. I like the buy a bag idea. I don't know if signs would help, but you should totally make the most ridiculous looking sign you can think of :P

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    1. It was on the side of the road! But that's just it. I used to think whatever, but now it's too much! Too many weirdos just making themselves at home on my quiet little street. Not a fan. Bah.

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  4. Ick... I wouldn't want anyone rummaging through my garbage either. I used to see this happening all the time at one of my old apartments. I solved the problem of having people linger at my place by just putting all of the cooperage back in their original boxes and setting them on the curb so people could just pick them up quickly and get the fuck away.

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    1. I considered that. But if my drunk friends were smart enough to put all the cans and bottles back in the boxes, returning them to the store would be a heck of a lot easier!

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  5. I had to put up a sign once for Great Dane Guy. It said, "My dog doesn't like your dog, and I don't like your dog's shit."

    And I also have to admit, when you started saying "Stay the fuck away form my house," I immediately thought of the book, "Go the fuck to sleep."

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    1. Yes. I'm glad you see where I'm coming from. I need a sign!

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  6. We have junk dealers stalking our neighborhood for scrap metal and stuff. Husband left the lawn mower in the front yard this summer to go in and pee. One of those mother fuckers took the damn mower!

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    1. True story. Everyone puts their crap out at the curb by the sidewalk the day before garbage day hoping someone take it so they don't have to pay extra to get rid of it. We didn't really want to get rid of the mower though.

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  7. People are annoying. And I'm wondering, what does a cute little bowl of yogurt look like?

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    1. You caught that eh? :) Well, it's a little white bowl with the most delicious yogurt of all time. Liberté Mmmmmm.

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  8. So, my husband collects these Coke rewards points and won't hesitate to get a bottle out of someone's trash to get the points. It's mortifying. Anyway, if it was my husband, I apologize. Though it is rather unlikely since we don't have a van...

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    1. I'm afraid your husband and I can't be friends.

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  9. I almost want to say "WOW!" but I too know from personal experience that people really are just shitheads. We once got a hand me down couch from my sister and had trouble getting it up the steps to our apartment so we went inside to get the tools to remove the back and when we returned found that someone had come along it that 15 minutes and snatched the couch right off the front porch!!

    I vote on putting up a sign, but a classy one..those mofo's need to know what's up :)

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    1. NO. People are ridiculous! That's nuts.

      You don't think my sign is classy?

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  10. Ha! Last time our dude did that, I gave him an Egg McMuffin and a coffee (I had just gone out to buy a bunch b/c it was a long night, and my mom was here, and... never mind. Too much detail.).

    ANYWAY, I'll stay the fuck away from your house. Promise =)

    xo LB

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    1. I'm so glad you're a kind patient person. Im a old lady asshole.

      BUT the people scavenging my house are NOT homeless. They have minivans.

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  11. I say have a trash party. Invite everyone you know with babies. Invite everyone you know that is NOT prego.. collect all the dirty diapers and used tampons.. throw em in the garbage with the bottles and cans.. then sit back and have a party as you watch the hobos .. but then I'm weird.

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  12. i'm like you -- i don't like anyone coming near my property unless they're the garbage man on the designated garbage day, a delivery person delivering some goods i ordered or someone i know and if you are someone i know, please bring gifts because i like presents. if you're none of those things, kindly fuck off. i rarely answer the door if i don't see a delivery truck outside. i've walked right up to the door, looked at the person in the face, realized it's not a delivery person or someone i know and just walked away.

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