I'm feeling much better today. Your comments were such a relief - you helped pull me from the wreckage and back to reality. Where I belong.
I can't thank you enough.
Today, refreshed, I know I need to be careful with myself. Someone told me recently I had to wrap myself in bubble wrap. And I effing HATED that he said that. But it was - gulp -very true. I need to take it easy. I jumped in with too much at one time, and I didn't pay enough attention.
So tomorrow I shall get back on track. And in the meantime, I'll keep trying, and concentrating on the good. My lovely and wise friend V told me today (with this post) that there is always a silver lining.
And there is. There are many, in fact.
First, in our ten years together, Hubby and I have never gotten along better than we do now. Not that we tore each other's throats out on a regular basis or anything, but we communicate better these days. We're gentler on each other. And we're working on shit together. Like a little team project. It isn't perfect - and I'm no summer peach - but it feels good.
Second, being so frighteningly candid about this garbage has helped me (and others) to acknowledge that I am SO not the only one. No matter how much stigma, no matter how much denial, we've all had a brush with tough times. Everyone can relate to me in one way or another... Someone had to drop out of school for a semester because it was too difficult, or someone passed away and someone else was lost without them, or someones mother, father, sister, brother, had a bout of depression once. The list goes on. So what does that mean for me? It means it's ok to talk about it. You can't shut me up, people.
Finally, I feel like I can actually make progress. I know the potential is there. I CAN crawl out of this hole, and there WILL be people waiting for me at the top, willing me to succeed. I feel liberated from myself. I finally know what's wrong, and I can work toward fixing it. I don't have to live in the dark anymore. I can find peace.