Tuesday, 16 August 2011

I'm going to sue my best friend

We were at my best friend's cottage this weekend and I may have to amputate my left hand. 

I think I could live without my left hand if I really had to, but if I do have to cut it off, I will most certainly sue my best friend for mal-treatment via cottage dock and severe emotional trauma. 

I was TRYING to do something nice, too.  One of my fellow cottage guests thought it would be a good idea to put her dog into the canoe.  I don't know about you, but I know very few people who can stay balanced in a canoe, let alone a damn dog. 

So I was trying to help the friggin thing out of the boat, leaning over the edge of the dock.  (And I can neither confirm nor deny the consumption of alcohol on said dock - because that could be detrimental to the outcome of my legal proceedings.)  I was kneeling on the dock, leaning over the side into the canoe and trying to help Hubby lift the doggie to safety. 

Well.  Somehow I shoved my hand into the edge of the dock and managed to jam 324 pieces of ancient wood chips into my palm.  And it's possible that something I ate or drank - I'm not sure what - may have inhibited my ability to recognize and respond to my impending panic attack. 

Basically, I shouted at nobody in particular, showed my bloody wound to Hubby, and then took off up to the cottage to find... I don't know what. 

Luckily my nurse friend Sarah was able to save me from this crisis situation by offering to conduct a cottage-style open-hand surgery. 

I sat at the picnic table with my left hand face up on the table and my right hand on my white wine anesthesia while Nurse Sarah dug out the 752 pieces of dock shrapnel that were embedded into my flesh.

I tried to read a book as a form of distraction, but mostly every other word just came out as "fuck". 

Our other friend came up to table and told me that Hubby asked if I was ok.  I looked up, and there was Hubby frolicking in the lake beneath a capsized canoe.  "Yeah.  He looks really concerned." 

In the end, Nurse Sarah couldn't even get the last bastard piece of shrapnel out of my hand.  She said the laceration below was a hindrance to a safe operation.  And she didn't have her scalpel.  She said my skin will hopefully discharge the foreign body within a day or two. 

Either that, or we'll have to amputate. 

And by the looks of it, it'll be the second one. 

UPDATED:

Given that my palm is two times its normal size, leaking some really nasty shit, and isn't even the correct flesh colour anymore, I went to see a nurse today.  After digging around in my hand for a few minutes she determined that I'll have to come back for another medical "procedure" on Thursday. 

Awesome.

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11 comments:

  1. Oh no! You poor thing! I was picturing you having a wonderful time at the cottage...not trying to get your hand amputated.

    I wish I could do something. Oh wait...maybe I can. I'll be glad to help as much as possible (due to differences in US and Canadian laws) in your lawsuit against your best friend.

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  2. Gah... the term "medical procedure" sends shivers down my spine. Hope your hand feels better soon :)

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  3. OUCH! that makes my stomach hurt just reading it! i hope your procedure includes some solid anesthesia!

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  4. that sucks!!!

    I think you should definitely sue... and drink more..

    and possibly see an actual doctor.

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  5. OMG, That SUCKS!!! Are you in a lot of pain? Sending healing vibes your way...

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  6. Ouch, you are too nice!

    My MIL tried to sue us after she fell out of a bed. No win for her...not easy to sue in Australia, thank goodness.

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  7. I cringed as I read this & no lie, I kept feeling like I had something stuck in my hand, haha. That sucks that it happened to you but glad your awesome nurse friend was there to help!

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  8. Also? How did you type all of that?

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  9. Sorry it took me so long to reply guys. Sometimes my work computer won't let me sign-in.

    jacqui - I appreciate that! I will warn her.

    Ang - Hand is doing a lot better since the nurse cleaned it out. We'll see if it keeps improving and then maybe I won't have to have the procedure?

    Sherilin - They told me to take advil beforehand! Ah!

    chemgirl - Yes, the actual doctor will hopefully cut it out of there tomorrow.

    Elle P - The pain was bad, but it's not as bad now. Thanks :)

    Jo - Are you serious?! You can't be. Although if she fell out of a bed at your house, maybe she should have sued. ;)

    Lin - I'm sorry I made you cringe! But if I have to cringe, so do all of you! My nurse friend is certainly awesome.

    Elle P - Hahahaha! Excellent question.

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  10. I have one thing to say to you. Next time let the damn dog fend for itself or let the ding dong who put the dog in there fish it out. BTW stop being so nice! Future body parts will thank you for it.


    Okay, it was more than one thing. Hope you feel better soon. hugs.

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  11. LACE - True. I should stop being so damn kind, eh? :)

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