Thursday, 14 April 2011

Have you heard? I'm AWESOME.

I have a history of exhibiting particularly awesome tendencies. 

Like when I fried a layer of dust and cat hair into my pork chop.  Or when I impaled my ribs on my vacuum - that wasn't even in use at the time.  Or, when I sat uncomfortably for two days, only later realizing that I'd been wearing my new underwear backwards

There are several examples.  You can read about them here.  (You know, should you want to feel much better about yourself.)

In short, I'm an effing GENIUS. 

And I proved it again today. 

I drove to work this morning.  I usually take the bus (although not lately, given the whole can't-get-out-of-bed thing), but today I took the car and parked in a lot across from my building.  I found a cozy little spot for my Civic and pulled in. 

I always have a shit-ton of stuff to carry in.  Like most women, I think.  Purse, high heels, scarf, yoga mat, dry cleaning, briefcase, cell phone, food, gifts, book, wig, spare pantyhose, child(ren), etc.  Ok, so I never carry children, and a rarely carry wigs, but I figure most women do. 

So I reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed all my shit. 

You know this process.  Struggling to layer everything onto each of your arms, wrists and individual fingers, while grasping your keys, shaking your hair out of your face, and pushing your sunglasses up with the back of your hand.  

Then shoving the car door open with your foot, while hoisting your junk over the gearshift, and between the steering wheel and your own twisted body. 

Then slithering out of the car, trying desperately not to swing the door too far, which would inevitably result in your car's silver paint ending up scuffed on the side panel of the vehicle next to you.  Which would result in you having to move your car (so as to avoid suspicion) and, of course, in having to start the whole damn process over again. 

So that was me.  Piling myself out of my car.  I pushed the door closed with my ass and then swung around in the direction of the office. 

And then it happened. 

I was STUNNED.  Boxed in the right ear, skull rattled and temple bruised. 

What happened, you may be wondering?

Well, I MAY have inadvertently walked with full force into the giant side-mirror of the effing fifty-ton monster pickup truck parked next to me. 

And when I whipped around to see what effing happened, and saw that damn mirror staring me in the face (right at eye level and bigger than my head), I may have boxed the self-righteous bastard right back. 

My ear is sore. 

And I hurt my finger. 



  1. Did you hear that Ford is recalling millions of trucks? No lie. Pretty sure it's because they're abusive towards others. As you've clearly experienced firsthand. Bastards.

  2. Serious? It's about damn time. lol

  3. Hilarious!

    I think we may be related -- your dad ever in Minneapolis? :-)


  4. Hahahahahahah MJ you're my favourite!

  5. If it had been Hubby's truck that boxed me, my reaction would have been much more violent.

  6. At least you whacked yourself with someone else's vehicle. Perfectly understandable; what the hell is a side mirror doing that so high up anyway, right? I, on the other hand, regularly hit myself in the face WITH MY OWN CAR DOOR. I don't even know how I do it. Does that make me more awesome that you? Yeah. . . Not so much.

  7. I like how you think it's "perfectly understandable". That makes me feel better about myself. Thanks!

  8. I've done that. Drunk off my ass, mind you. But yeah, it hurts the same.

  9. Ouch! Sorry about your ear. But I love that you would move your car if your door hit the car beside you! I thought only I would do that.

  10. Gah! That truck jumped right out in front of you. You never saw it coming.

    BTW - I nominated you for a blogging award, seeing as you are so awesome. See my blog for details:

  11. @Brandy Rose - at least you had an excuse! I'm just an idiot.

    @jacqui - Thanks for the support. Usually when I write stuff like this it's because I'm a sympathy whore. So appreicate that. And yes, depending on the day, it's possible that I would hide my car. It's a theory that's never been tested, but I would not be surprised!

    Angela! You are so sweet! That is the highlight of my blogging career! *tear* lol! Thanks!

  12. I have been completely sober, but very pregnant and smashed my head with the dryer door. You think it would have been my big belly in the way not my head, go figure. I feel your pain.

  13. Shizz like this happens to me all the time.

    Then I feel defeated and often cry.

    Sorry about your ear.

    And my guy always asks why I don't get out and get everything from the passenger side. To me, it seems like more of a hassle, when it probably would be easier than hauling it all across the seat.

    Oh well.

    I hate getting in and out of cars, as well. I'm an oddball (but you already knew that).



  14. Yeah, I might try the passenger side next time!

  15. Okay, I drive a fairly-large-and-high-but-not-monster-truck-sized Ford 4x4 pickup. With a supercab. I have come close to knocking my own stupid ass out with the mirrors - and they don't even stick out that far! However, each time this has happened (told you I was a dumb-ass) it has been while trying to get my 5yo and 7mo out of the too-friggin-high back seat.

  16. Cheryl - Oh no! I'm such a clutz (sp??) in Hubby's pickup too. Hell, if we're being honest, I'm a clutz in my civic.