Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Never let your sperm out of your sight

I heard an effed-up story today.   

I heard that some guy - a fertility doctor here in my safe, rational, and normal Canadian city - was unexpectedly revealed as the father of several children. 

I say unexpectedly, because this doctor apparently took it upon himself to impregnate his clients with his own sperm instead of the sperm of men he was supposed to be breeding. 


My friends and I were trying to figure out how this happened. 

First of all, wouldn't that be kind of tricky?  I mean, all those little bottles of sperm must be monitored, right?  There isn't just some big bingo spinner full of sperm cups.  "Ok, close your eyes, reach in, and pick one!" 

Or maybe one of those evening lottery ball machines.  

I'm Yolaaaan-da Vaaay-ga!
The first ball up... is John.
The next, is Bill.
And the last... is Alberto!
Thank you and goodnight!

I'd like to think not. 

And second of all, how do you think he came to the decision to commit this travesty?  Was it just an experiment?  Do you think he thought he'd give it a go and see if it worked, just for fun? 

And then, when it proved successful, and nobody seemed the wiser, so he thought he'd just keep trying until... until... well, I don't know what.  Until he got bored?

I doubt it.  I think he had to be more calculating about the whole thing.  You know, like a diabolical plan to take over the world or something.  One Canadian baby at a time

That sounds like the tag line from a CBC mini series. 

I don't even know how they caught him.  They must have found his giant wall tally.  

215 done.  3,555,223,556 left to go. 

Or maybe some babies just popped out with random red curly hair and freckles or something.  There were probably several fathers out there wondering who their wives slept with.

"Honey?  Why do you think little Johnny looks so much like a cartoon character?"

Friggin creepy. 

Ok, just so you know, it seems that barely one word of this post is true, as far as I can tell.  It appears to be a combination of fact and urban myth.  I don't care though.  I'm all about spreading rumours.  And I think writing a psychologically thrilling TV mini series is my purpose on this Earth. 



  1. I saw it on an episode of CSI: Special Victims Unit. It was an egotistical fertility doctor and he got caught because one of his "kids" was dying from cancer and needed a bone marrow donor and the dying kid's brother found his dying brother's real father, who was the fertility doctor, and threatened him if he didn't donate and of course the egotistical doctor said "No" and the dying kid's brother killed the egotitical doctor's brother.
    Anyway, I'm pretty sure it happened somewhere if it was on t.v.

  2. ? ?? ?????????

    The milkman industry may never recover.

  3. Laura - Yes! If it's on tv it's true. Art imitating life, imitating art, etc. As for this story, there *was* a sperm mix-up in my city, but whether or not the doctor has a world domination plan is questionable.

    Angela - Haha! No doubt. I'd be worried about postal service and pool boys too.

  4. They did it on the original Law and Order series as well.

  5. So, what you're telling me is that I should let go of my dream of writing and producing a thrilling tv mini series for lack of imagination?

  6. I think it shows that you have an imagination equal to or greater than the people who write CSI and Law and Order. They should be keep an eye on you before you take over the whole thrilling tv show AND thrilling tv mini-series industries.

  7. Thanks jacqui. I agree. An eye should certainly be kept on me. I'm a threat! ;)