Monday, 16 May 2011

It's not Adidas' fault, but CanadaPost can lick my ass

I've needed new kickboxing shoes for a while.  My current shoes don't offer enough flexibility, so my knees hurt.

I'm an old friggin lady.  Leave me alone. 

And to make matters worse, I have miniature feet. 

For those of you who don't know me, I'm kind of a dwarf.  Not a real "little person", but definitely undersized.  Proportionately scaled down by 25 percent.     

Anyway, finding small enough shoes that don't have those curly toes with bells on the tips is tricky. 

I finally found some cute Adidas x-trainers, but I had to order them from the website.  I got an email saying they'd be delivered to my house soon.  Yay!  New shoes!  No more Nana knees! 

About a week passed, but no sign of my shoes.  And I'd know if they'd been delivered.  I never leave the house.   

So I went to the CanadaPost website to track them.  According to those idiots, my shoes were delivered days ago and signed for by me

Now.  Unless my meds make me even crazier, that's a damnable lie

So I called the Bastards.   

Me:  "Hi.  I ordered shoes from Adidas and the tracking number says they were delivered but they never were."
Canada Post Girl:  "Hmmm.  It says they were delivered."
Me: "Well, sorry, but they weren't."
CanadaPost Girl:  "Ok, well, it was more than a week ago, so I'll have to transfer your call." [Subtext: "Why didn't you call sooner?"]

CanadaPost Guy:  "Hello?"
Me: "Hi. I ordered shoes from Adidas and the tracking number says they were delivered but they never were."
Canada Post Guy: "Hmmm.  It says they were delivered."
Me: "Well, sorry, but they weren't."
CanadaPost Guy: "Do you live on Caroline Avenue?"
Me:  "Uh, no.  I don't even know where that is."

It went on like that for a while.  He eventually said they sent the shoes to Caroline Avenue, and even worse, that he had no idea why.   


He told me he'd "put a trace on them" [Subtext: "I'm a postal cop"] and said I should call back in two to five days.  If they don't find them, I'll have to call Adidas, and Adidas will have to place a claim against CanadaPost. 

Good luck Adidas.

A few days later a postal driver showed up at our front door.  For the longest time I ignored the repeated doorbell rings because I didn't want strangers knowing I sit in my housecoat all day. 

Eventually Hubby ran to the door hoping it was his new very expensive amazing guitar. 

Hubby: "My guitar?!"
Me:  "My shoes?!  Do you have my shoes?"
Postal Driver: "Uh, no... Do YOU have the shoes?"
Me:  ?

Turns out CanadaPost sent the poor fucker to my house, instead of sending him to Caroline Avenue. 

Me:  "Sorry?"
Postal Driver:  *grunt*

So now I have to wait even longer [Subtext: get your act together douchebags] and some asshole is walking around Caroline Avenue in my miniature, bright fuchsia Adidas x-trainers. 

And my Nana knees hurt. 


This is the Canadian version of a "housecoat".  Like a robe.  Frig. 

Except my legs are not this hairy.



  1. it'd probably just be easier for everyone involved if you just moved to Caroline Avenue. Be a giver, not a taker.

  2. What she said.

    AND: You wear a housecoat? My MOM wore a housecoat. I wouldn't be CAUGHT DEAD in a housecoat.

    Oh, wait. Is "housecoat" Canadian for "sexy lounging pajamas"?

  3. @SarcasmInAction - lol Excellent point. I think the people on Caroline Avenue should move to my house AND BRING ME MY DAMN SHOES BACK WHILE THEY'RE AT IT.

    @Handflapper - Um, a "robe" in American?? It's a fleece coat-type thing with a waste tie. Like a trench coat. We all wear them here. IT'S FUCKING COLD, MAN.

    Then there's my parka-cape too. Here:

  4. Oh dear. I have small feet, and most of my life it was hit-and-miss as to whether I could find shoes that fit. Then I got pregnant and my feet grew nearly a size-and-a-half. Not that I'm suggesting anything...

    Anyhow, bright fuchsia cross-trainers sound cute. I hope they come your way soon.

  5. if i'm not going out, i dwell in the land of jammies. who needs bras or pants? not me.
    i hope you get your pink elfie shoes back. =)

  6. Yeah, that sounds about right, it is a government agency and all.

    Can I say how awesome it is that you kickbox! I love it. What a great way to deal with crappy feelings . . . actually punching something. I actually do it in barefeet but I can understand why it is not everyone's cup of tea!

  7. Do you need the fuchsia to kick box Canada Post, or will any shoe do? I say put your kick boxing self into action!

  8. why is it that we all rush the postman when he brings a package and ask him what it is? HE DOESN'T KNOW. It's not really a present to you from the postman!

  9. SarcasmInAction - Snuggies are awesome, but parka-capes are better.

    Angela - Really, because it sounds like you're suggesting I have a baby so that I can have an easier time finding shoes. LOVE IT.

    Sherilin - I hope to walk around the house braless and pantless, but with my pink elfie shoes. Cute.

    Fox - I know! I used to train, but lately I just do cheesier cardio kickboxing. Actually, lately I haven't been doing it much at all, but when I do, I feel a bit better. :)

    LACE - The poor postman. He'll come to the door and I'll be all: "Can you wait one sec while I put these shoes on, so I can kick you in the head?" Nice.

    hoodyhoo - "HE DOESN'T KNOW" lol!

  10. Maybe with your new shoes you'll be tall enough to ride the roller coaster...?

    PS: I ate all your granola bars. Sorry.

  11. I'm with Angela, have a baby and you might have an easier time finding shoes that fit. ;) I had small feet and then they grew after being pregnant with Avery. Just to be safe, have twins, your feet might grow two sizes. :D I hope you get your shoes soon so the postman can lick your ass(?).

  12. Thanks hodgie. That's nice. Feel free to replace the granola bars with prescription medication.

    Elle - But then I'll have Wilie Coyote feet that will frighten my children!

  13. I thought the shoes with the curled up toes and bells on them sounded cute. Does Adidas make any of those?

  14. I don't know, but I bet the guy on Caroline avenue knows.

  15. Ha! I hope you don't really, really hate awards because you have two of them over at my place.

  16. Maybe you should just go to Caroline Ave yourself... I just hope the person who answers the door isn't wearing your shoes!

  17. The USPS would have never even sent anyone out tracking that package. Seriously.

  18. jacqui - Thank you! :)

    Elle P - I thought of that! But I'm a chicken shit.

    Laura - If they did, though, I'd bet they'd send him to the RIGHT HOUSE. Frig.