Monday, 3 February 2014

The year *after*

Part of the problem with getting older is feeling older. 

In some ways, this can be a benefit. For example, I like feeling a bit emotionally stronger, a bit wiser, a bit more me. On the flip side, however, feeling older also includes feeling a bit weaker, a bit more crippled, a bit less agile. 

Up until this point, the changes in my body have been gradual - a slow but relatively steady decline. Sure, this me isn't as tight or lean as the early 20s me, but whatever, I've been alright with that. 

Until pregnancy. 

Pregnancy beat me up. Not only was it risky toward the end, but it kicked the shit out of my unprepared and unfit body, and it did so at a rapid pace. It started with not being able to eat properly, moved onto not being able to tie my shoes, and ended with two months of "rest" and daily shaths. (Aka shower-baths.) Oh and then labour and delivery and stitches and hormones and breakdowns and oh good god save us all. 

My mind was probably stronger than when I was young, but not if you consider ignorance bliss (which may have served me well when pregnant). 

In any case, this year isn't only the year I turn 30. It's the year after the year I grew a tiny human and became its mother. 

As a mom, I feel so fucking OLD. Not only mentally and socially, where I'm a member of a new (super cool) club of parents - which means I relate more to the grandmas at a bridal shower than the bride and her friends - but also physically. Physically, I am so fucking WORN OUT. I'm tired all the time (although she does sleep 8 hours now!). My back is pinched in ways I didn't know were humanly possible. My knees ache. My neck aches. My head aches. 

The only thing that makes all of that not excruciating is the fact that it doesn't really matter. In a world where I have Fraggle, and Fraggle has me, I've got the mom superpower* that makes it all possible... even tolerable... even wonderful

But for chrissakes I'm in pain. I'm an old lady with kinks and cracks all over and I need a friggin massage. And an exercise routine. And probably a doctor. 

So. Tonight's Birthday Month activity was: a) a brief walk outside, providing much needed fresh air on a rough day; and, b) two pathetic sun salutations. 

And that totally counts. 

*See @msfreshfish's semi-recent post! 

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