Thursday, 20 February 2014

Emotional schizo

Today I learned that parenting is one of the more, um, emotionally schizophrenic experiences a person can have. (And coming from me, that means something.) 

Today I flip-flopped from feeling to feeling like an attention-deficitted captain kangaroo. Emotions ping-ponged me over the head while the audience in my head hysterically laughed. I was: pissed right off, exhausted, tolerant, happy, impatient, lazy, contemplative, frustrated, bummed, exhilarated, refreshed, proud, thrilled, joyful, impatient again, curious, worried, anxious, lazy again, frustrated again, disappointed, sad, a little bit panicked, irritable, lonely, cautious, and now tense. There was also some hungry and thirsty in there, and I think once I had to pee. 

The point is, I had not anticipated how intense all my mom emotions would be, let alone how easily they would frantically run away - sometimes with me still attached. I can't keep up.  The only constant is how much I love her - which isn't even constant, rather erratically and exponentially accelerating - WHICH only increases my worry and general angst. See? Emotionally schizophrenic. 

Days like today leave me so mentally worn that the mere thought of doing this again with some other child that I've grown and birthed is exceptionally terrifying and seemingly impossible. I'm not sure how to take it all in... How does one absorb this? I feel like I have no room in my brain for anything unrelated to my mom-ness. 

This unfortunately makes Birthday Month a much larger task than even I had expected. Although I have managed to arrange some lovely celebratory moments over the past days (such as walking outside, visiting friends, or watching movies with Hubby), the truth of the matter is that most things I do feel like chores. Mostly because they are chores, and in some cases gigantic life-dependent responsibilities (such as shopping, baking, or children's hospitals). 

Some activities do feel like a brief respite from chores (such as watching The Young and the Restless) but these are basically survival tactics to which I cling for sanity. In any case, they usually get interrupted and almost always carry guilt right along with them. 

I haven't yet learned how to be a whole person. Right now I'm just a mom, very barely a wife, and basically nothing of a me.  


2 comments:

  1. How old is your daughter? I think it took me about 6 years before I even stopped going through the motions long enough to realize that I was "basically nothing of a me." I was too busy with the sleep deprivation and emotional turmoil.
    It gets better, really!
    Hugs!

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    1. She just tuned 8 months. I remember when people said "just get through the first three months!" and I thought "holy fuck there's three months of this?!" Now you're saying six years and I'm trying not to freak out! ;)

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