Saturday, 1 February 2014

Birthday Month

It's going to be my birthday this month, and it's going to be what they call a big'un. 

My 30th birthday will take place on February 22nd, and if you know me at all you could expect that I'm rather un-exited about it. In fact, my profile still reads mid-twenties because, well, denial.

Why birthdays bother me is a question for my therapist (of whom I've not visited in six months since the Baby Fraggle was born - when the Crazy induced by making an appointment, arriving on time for said appointment, and trusting a babysitter during that appointment began to outweigh the overall Crazy I live with on a day-to-day basis). In the absence of my therapist, I'm going to self-diagnose my problem with birthdays as the fact that birthdays are a marker of passing time

While I don't love my new wrinkles and grey hairs, I suspect I'm more concerned that my life is blowing past me while I spend so much time trying to stabilize it. While I'm off growing up, and marrying, and housing, and wifing, and jobbing, and growing tiny humans, my life is, I don't know, trekking onward. Life is apparently what happens while you're trying to get your shit together.

I try to remind myself that the number doesn't matter. In fact, it doesn't - I've been in my thirties my whole life. Not to mention, I'll actually be entering my 31st year on my upcoming birthday so I oughta get the fuck over it. 

But I can't. I can't seem to let this birthday go by without it meaning something - meaning anything - bigger and better than just "oh yeah I turned 30 and I didn't like it."

So here's what I propose: Rather than sitting around dreading my upcoming passage into what is apparently Hell (?), I am totally gonna milk that shit. I'm gonna milk it for everything it's got. 

I bring you... BIRTHDAY MONTH. 

This month, until my birthday party on March 1st, I'm going to do something that is just mine every single goddam day. Starting with this blog post (and followed by what will hopefully be a daily blog post for the entire month - because who am I kidding I totally have time and I've been fucking lazy for months) and ending with a couple dozen "today I marked the occasion by..." activities. 

I know what you're thinking. "Hey that sounds light and fun and easy in a non-self-judgy kinda way Marianna! Way to go!"  But the idea isn't for this to be difficult. I simply want to celebrate rather than mope. 

So here goes. 

Welcome to Birthday Month. I'm sure it will be a joyous occasion for all. 

Ps
Fuck you, 30. 


3 comments:

  1. Oh I hear you and I'm way past 30 now. I"m not saying by how little or how much because I just don't like it. And I don't know why not. Maybe because this means my children are growing up and my life hasn't been quite what I wanted it to be. But you know what, that just means I need to over myself and look at what my 30's have brought me so far.

    2 more children (oh God, what was I thinking? We are up to 4. you got that, right? lol), a job that I actually like, (even though it's stressful as hell and some days, like with my children, I think oh crap wtf was I thinking?), I travelled for the very first time somewhere alone, first time on a plane, and met some incredible people in Chicago! (wtf! I'm surprised I even made it to the airport, nevermind finding and getting on the L train all by myself to go home.) This year I'm going on a plane to a wedding in Quebec. I've never ever thought I'd make it East, besides Toronto's airport to transfer planes. In my 20's I would have made every excuse not to go, even if I had all the money in the world. I've run 2 half marathons. I've started my own business, (even though it's not producing how I'd like, it really is perfect for what is going on right now. I'm busy with my family). I helped my son go from a kindergarten reading level to mid grade 1 in half a school year. I'm finally working out consistently and seeing some gains, both in how I feel about myself and my energy to live my life. There is more. And this is somewhere in between, a surgery, a miscarriage and figuring out how to "stabilize" my own issues.

    As much as I dreaded 30 and having a panic attack about 40, when I look back I realize that 30 is about more change than one can imagine. Life didn't just happen and blow by me. I've lived more life in the few years I've been in my 30's than any other decade of my life. And, I had a lot more fun. Probably more stress, but a shit ton more fun.

    You got this lady! And from the sounds of your post, you're well on your way to making this the best year yet.

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    1. It's true! I look forward to the great person I'll become in my 30s. It isn't the number I don't think, or even the decade, rather the idea of the "milestone" of time blowing by me!

      ps chicago was wonderful! I think about it all the time!

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    2. me too. OMG I crave churros so bad lol

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