Sunday, 18 March 2012

The time has come.

Well, my friends, the time has come. 

Last year I lost my shit.  I went nuts.  I had some wicked panic attacks and some flashes of miserable ideas.  I took a month off work.  I started seeing a shrink, and when that didn't work (fast enough), I started popping the crazy pills like peanut m&ms. 

First a small dose, then a medium dose.  And after about six weeks I began to breathe again.  Not every day.  Not all the time.  But the breaths came easier and the panic attacks were fewer and farther between.  The pain - terrifying crushing immeasurable intolerable pain - began to subside. 

Huh.  Well, that's a relief, isn't it?

I finally had room to get my life back on track.  I tried to get active (even if I almost killed my friend v in the process).  I diversified.  I got VOCAL. 

And then I got better. 

Not perfect (what the fuck does that even mean?), but better.  Softer.  Calmer.  Safer.  More aware.  Happier.  Gentler.  More honest.  Less ashamed.  Just... better.  Not only better than the bad days, but better than before

A better me.  A new me.

Still a lazy fucking bum, to be sure, but at least willing to acknowledge it and admit why.

Still a crazy wack-bat on more than one occassion, but at least able to limit my outbursts to a more opportune time (such as after Hubby falls asleep in the foreign hospital). 

Still weak sometimes.  Still working on it.  But stronger.  Wiser.  More... hopeful. 

So, the time has come.  The time has come to try stepping out without the crutch...  *cue doomsday music*  ...to slowly reduce my meds until I can hopefully function (reasonably well) without them. 

Holy SHIT I am terrified.  What if the bad days return? What if I want to sleep all the time? What if amazing Spring weather isn't enough to hold me up?  What if I have to go back to relying on Hubby more than I ever thought I would?

What if...?

Christ I'm not sure if I can do this. 

But I have to. I have to at least try.  I'm not the same person I was when I started boosting myself up with pills.  But how do I voluntarily give up the one thing that I knew would save me if I could just be patient enough for it to kick in? 

I want to.  I need to.  But how?


This song.  This song is me, speaking to myself. 



But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

32 comments:

  1. Great song - and a brave post! I hope cutting down on meds goes a bit smoother than you expect..

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  2. First thing my darling, I am proud of you
    and if they return, we deal with it.

    but the important thing is this YOU are speaking out about it, so people like me realize this shit that happens in our heads isn't just in ours

    and it's okay to get help and not think we are insane, just...normally crazy

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    1. Yes, we deal with it. I like that. Just what Hubby said.

      Thank you so much. It *is* ok. It will be ok. For all of us. We just have to face it.

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  3. be brave and be strong and the good news is, you can always up your dosage again if you find that you need to.

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    1. Yes, the pills aren't going anywhere, are they? My fear is just that by the time I reliaze I'm slipping again, it will take weeks to get myself out of that hole. *fear*

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  4. I saw this quote about the power of being positive..."whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right"
    Go for it, think you can & do your best. Good luck.

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    1. Fearful, but yes, I think i can. I am at least fully ready to try.

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  5. Good luck! It sounds like you have a great support system, and I think you can do it.

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    1. Yes, Hubby will always be there to pick me up. I just wish he didn't have to. Thanks doll.

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  6. I know how you feel my dear. I would be freaking out too. Luckily for me my meds are doing double-duty for me: for anxiety/depression and also for my fibromyalgia pain, so I ain't coming off them anytime soon. I'll just stay blissfully medicated and i am totally fine with that as long as the pain (physical pain) stays abated.

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    1. I would be glad to stay medicated as long as I needed it. What I want to test now is if I still need it - or if the new me can handle myself without the backup.

      No shame in meds. EVER.

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  7. Atta grrl. Your willingness and courage to keep challenging yourself is inspiring to me, and many others by the looks of it. xo LB

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  8. good luck girl.... I believe you are strong enough and you will realize it. You've given me so much strength since I started reading your blog to admit my own shit and start dealing with it and I am so grateful!

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    1. That's so nice of you to say Jaime. Thanks. I'm grateful to all of you for your support!

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  9. Amazing post!! I will be rooting for you the whole way :) good luck! I think It's great you aren't ashamed of the meds and you aren't afraid to share all this with us. There are too many people (i personally know) that should be on meds but are too ashamed to even admit they are losing it (Thanks a lot Tom Cruise!!). I know first hand all too well what It's like to suffer from depression/anxiety then top it off with post partum depression and it can get very ugly :( I <3 my Celexa!! Hahaha

    You ARE inspiring, best of luck hon. Not only do you have hubby but us as well :):)

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    1. OH, thank you. I refuse to be ashamed. It's hard sometimes, but I have to admit reality.

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  10. You can do this. YOU CAN. The hardest part for me was when I first decreased the meds it made my stomach really upset. It was good in a way because I was more focused on where I could find a toilet and not on my mood. Yay for GI upset. Who knew???

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    1. Oh yeah, I hadn't thought about the other side effects. I'm actualyl hoping I"ll get some sex drive back, and maybe even a bit more energy...

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  11. Okay, I totally have happy tears in my eyes reading this post! I am so proud of you and you can do it.

    You have come so far over this past year and you have been such an amazing inspiration for me. Thank you for sharing and supporting and just being you.
    Jenn

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    1. You're so sweet. It has been quite a shit-show over the last year, hasn't it? I've gotten so much strength from you too - always helps to know we're not alone.

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  12. What a great post with great news! I know you're scared but this is a good thing & you will do great :)

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  13. Good news! Stay strong, we're right here beside you.

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  14. One day at a time. Mindful. Forgiving. Of yourself and others. Breathe. You are loved.

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    1. Mindful and forgiving. Mindful and forgiving...

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  15. You can do it. And if you have to imagine all your blogger 'friends' in cheer leading outfits cheering you on then so be it.
    It's natural to be afraid, but I believe you'll do just fine.
    I watched my mom go through something similar. Just remember all the hands that are willing and eager to lift you back up should you fall. Because you're that awesome.
    Good luck.

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    1. I love all my blogger friends (no quotes). I cling to that somedays - knowing that I'm not alone and people will send me good vibes whenever I need it.

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