Monday, 26 September 2011

Grocery shopping is an asshole

One of the absolute worst fucking things in life is grocery shopping.

I hate everything about it. I hate the aisle-wandering, the cart-pushing, the retard-avoiding, the shelf-searching, the conveyorbelt-loading, the cashier-waiting, the bag-loading, the PAYING, the bag-lifting, the trunk-packing, the pile-as-many-bags-on-my-arms-and-struggle-into-the-house-ing, and of course... the cupboard-stuffing.

The unpacking is the worst because I have to look at everything I just spent all my money on, only to come to the painful conclusion that not. one. thing. is appealing to eat.  Except the chips.

Usually, Hubby and I stop over at the local grocer on a daily basis before dinner.  It's the same routine every night.  (You can read about Men and their meat here.) 

But once in a while we head over to Wal-fart for the big'un.  The giant "let's get every little thing we might ever need if the world ever ends - and every other little thing we can think of while we're at it" shopping trip. 

Making the whole thing worse? Hubby's starting a new job in which packing a lunch will become a necessary evil.  So this particular shopping trip was spent with me reminding him once or twice in each aisle that he needs to buy things he can eat during the day.  Snacks, drinks, treats, meals. 

And of course each one of his decisions is a huge deal. 

Me: "You like pitas, Honey."
Hubby: "Yeah..."
Me: "Well how about some pitas then?"
Hubby: "Well, they always get stale really fast."
Me: "True.  Ok, wraps instead."
Hubby: *squeezes the pita bag*
Me: "Ok, well make a decision."
Hubby: *stands pondering*
Me: *walks away*

So we continue to make it through this giant disgusting supercentre (which basically represents everything that is wrong with the world), piling at least one of everything in sight into our cart. 

Hubby: "I need some decent bathroom cleaner."
Me: "So get some."
Hubby: *stands and stares at the wall of cleaning products*
Me: "Yeah, that Greenworks one is decent. Less cancer."

So when we get home, what do I unpack?  The Scrub-Free bathroom cleaner.  The carcinogen.  With BLEACH. 

Hubby: "That's the one you said!"
Me: "Noooo, I was referring to the green one.  Less cancer, remember?  This is the most cancer possible in one gigantic jug. Cancer in a jug is what this is."

Hubby waves me away me while he tries to jam about 10% more almonds into the almond jar than could ever logically fit, spilling them all over our counter. 

And then he plops down next to me on the couch eating - what else but chips - and crunches on them like a camel with lock-jaw. 

And then he paces the kitchen opening the fridge and asking me what I'm having for dinner. 

Yep. Grocery shopping is an asshole.

Now.  If you can guess how much I spent on this particular shopping trip, you'll win something. I don't know what, but at the very least it will be bragging rights, as well as the pleasure of knowing that you have never EVER spent this much on groceries. 

PS - Now he's making me a cucumber snack, so I guess he's not all bad. 



  1. Ah I see love grocery shopping! I love wandering the aisles looking for something new and different to try.

    That being said, I hate paying for it and of course the putting shit away . . . horrible. Also, now not only do I have to make lunches for myself but I have to make them for Little Miss 2 to 3 times a week. I am sooooo over lunch making and it has just begun.

  2. we do the huge shopping every once in a while & spend stupidly huge quanitities of money when we do it even though there are only 3 of us. so i'm going to guess you spent $250.
    am i close?

  3. First of all, I hate grocery shopping too. And nobody I know can understand the reason for my hatred.

    Second of all, I'm sure I've spent as much as you or more. I've paid big money for groceries. I will guess $300.

  4. Jenn - I totally thought there'd be some crazies out there who like it! Making lunches is such a pain!

    Sherilin - You are not close. There are only 2 of us, but today's loot includes kitty litter, cleaning supplies, and some toiletries.

  5. jacqui - You always understand me! You're closer than Sherilin...

  6. Oooh, I wanna win! I say $380- final offer!

    Thank you so much for the laugh- I really needed that today :-)

  7. I'm going to guess about $350 cuz that's about what we spend when we refill out brood with food, plus toiletries and cleaning supplies..

    oh .. and that cancer in a jug.. that's all I clean with cuz the Greenworks stuff may be better for the environment but it doesn't clean for shit.... so it goes like this:
    less bacteria now .. but cancer later.. or more bacteria now possibly leading to flesh eating disease and no cancer later..... I go with the former.. but that's just me.

    oh.. and I don't clean the bathroom cuz even though I'm anal and OCD and I require a clean bathroom, cleaning with bleach bothers my sinuses, eyes, skin, etc.. so the hub has ended up taking over the bathroom job.. so he'll end up with cancer. I'm a horrible person.

  8. I like grocery shopping, except for hauling the groceries upstairs from the garage to the kitchen. So I usually just do the shopping myself, and he unloads the groceries. I win!

  9. I LOVE LOVE LOVE grocery shopping!!!
    I'll totally drive up to Canada and go with you next time. You WILL feel the joy.
    You spent &289.54 (whatever that'd be in Canadian)

  10. I hate grocery shopping too. I just hate the wandering the aisles. And Wal Mart? OMG the agony.

    I'm going to guess $145.

  11. I'm going to guess $400 - I feel as though I have paid a college tuition every time i need to do that BIG shop. BUT, i am on the other side of the spectrum, i absolutely ADORE grocery shopping. When I get to go by myself that is

  12. I detest, loathe, abhor, despise, spurn and repelled by the very thought of grocery shopping. The idea that I have to spend money on toilet paper, cleaning products and basic necessities kills me. When I walk out of the store with one bag that has $100 items in it, none of which are fun in anyway, I want to scream. I won't even get into my disdain about the people in the grocery store (shoppers and workers alike). So I'm glad there are others who hate grocery shopping as well.

    My guess is $390

  13. I am with you on the hating grocery shopping. I shop for a family of 3 and you would think that we ate about a hog a day and then the snacks.... oh lordy lordy! I can never make a mea out of what I buy... shopping is the bane of my existence!

    and my guess is... wait for it.......


    Take a look at my blog if you want a free peak into the funhouse of my life!

  14. Vivian - $380 is fairly close, actually! Nice job.

    chemgirl - HOLD THE PHONE. I THINK WE HAVEA WINNER! It was $355. Can you believe that?! also, it's easy for you to say that the cancer cleaner doesn't matter if you don't actually do the cleaning! ;)

    Ang - Now that *is* a WIN, isn't it? Good job.

    Sarcasm - You *would* love it. I can totally picture you in your happy land frollicking through the store. $380 is not even close! :)

    Rachel - It *is* agony. Painful and cruel. Guess is even further off than Miss Sarcasm though.

  15. Carm - going by oneself is KEY. I can't imagin ever being one of those parents trying to shop while their kids runs around touching everything in sight.

    Kittie - EXACTLY! and why does all teh decent toilette paper have to cost more than my monthly life insurance?

    dogedog - So true. We have no meal food. Just a bunch of snacks! I ate three pieces of that little triangle cow cheese for dinner tonight. frig.

  16. I don't have a choice but to take my 3 children with me. Luckily they have learned to walk beside me or we walk out empty handed and I go alone. My weirdos like going shopping with me. My daughter likes to point out how "amazing" everything is. they sit in the vehicle and watch a movie while I bring the groceries in the house. They also help me load the conveyer belt and pack my cart. Only thing is some things fall off because my daughter packs things oddly. Then they help me put it all away. The baby just laughs and says "hi" lol.

  17. I hate grocery shopping too. Mostly because every single time I go everything is more expensive than it was last week. I mean what the crap, how can cheese go from 15 cents and ounce to 20 cents and ounce in 7 days?! Is there a milk cow shortage or something?! Did you kill them all to have enough steaks for the crazy football heads here in the South come game day?! Gah!

    I'm thinking that you spent in the neighborhood of $475 to $500.

  18. Heh. Triangle cow cheese? I totally know what you mean, but that made me giggle.

    When my brother and I were little, our mom only went grocery shopping once a month. No lie. And the shitty part is that we were homeschooled so we ALWAYS had to go with her. Let me tell you, spending three hours in ONE single grocery store is enough to make anyone hate shopping of any kind for the rest of their lives. It would take us ALL day to shop. I'm totally not shitting you either--we would head to town at like 9 in the morning, and we wouldn't get home until 8:30-9 that night. Insane. I STILL hate shopping. It's like torture. Or cruel and unusual punishment, or something.

  19. LACE - Wow, you sound almosot joyful about that. You are clearly a MUCH better mother than I will be. I see kids in teh store and I just wanna hit them. Hard. ;)

    Ashes - Yes! Everything is so expensive! Ahhhhhh!

    Mel - Wow. That sounds unreal. Kind of like those extreme couponers who stock up their carts and then buy a million of everything and spend only like $5. Idiots.

  20. My grocery bill goes down by at least $50 if I leave my husband at home and $75 if I leave the husband and the kids at home. :)

  21. Paula - No kidding! Hubby is so brutal. I always end up with Beef Jerkey in the cart. Idiot.

  22. Grocery shopping is such a pain in the butt. I always spend more than I have to & then come home with things I never needed or really wanted ha-ha.