Thursday, 22 December 2011
Money can't pay for that. Not even close.
This one's serious. And not at all Christmassy. But I had to write it.
I have a predicament. An unorthodox Christmas gift/curse. And true to form, it's a doozy.
I may have mentioned before, the man whose sperm contributed to my creation is an evil and disgusting criminal. He's not even just a dead-beat-dad. He's worse. And beyond everything terrible that he's done, he never paid a damn cent of child support to my lovely mother who did everything possible to protect me from his Crazy.
Since then, almost 25 years later, he owes, like, I don't know... hundreds of thousands of dollars in back payments, taxes, and arrears. Not exaggerating. Fucking asshole.
A couple of years ago the government dragged his ass to court and the judge decided that if he managed to land a full-time job at minimum wage he could afford to pay $700 per month of back-owed child support. And if he doesn't pay? Jail.
Fine, I thought. If this is where this shit show is gonna land, then fine. I can deal with that.
Not that simple.
Of course the fucker never pays. Sometimes they garnish his earnings (drug earnings I'm sure) and my mom ends up with 50 or 60 dirty dollars, which she usually splits with me, because she loves me.
But here's what I've realized:
I HATE THAT MONEY.
I hate it. That money represents my pain. That money puts a dollar figure on what we went through, the abuse we endured, the struggles I faced, the struggles I still face.
Beyond that, it haunts me. It shows up randomly, out of the blue, and I have no idea where it truly came from or why I have it.
But this is not my dilemma. I've come to terms with this. I've decided that as long as the money flies under the radar, I can live with it.
Until last week.
Last week my mother called to say that he was getting out of jail and she had $17,000 coming her way.
Mom was pretty excited. Not pleased, per se, but glad to get a Christmas bonus. And of course I understand. She went through a lot of shit and having an extra $17,000 can't hurt.
But it does hurt. It kills me. It's like he's paying some penalty and then getting away with all the awful things he's done. Not to mention that he's easily bummed that money off some other poor fool who will never see it again.
On top of it, he's getting OUT of jail. When he's in jail for the wrong reason alltogether. Just paying his fine and being set free.
While I suffer. While I live with what he did. While I try to figure out what to do with this ghost money that now sits in my bank account...
So I paid off my credit card. Because the thought of having some one "fun" thing to treat myself to is sickening. And the thought of having it stay in my bank account where I can see it all the time is just as bad.
So I'm debtless.
Debtless, in theory. But so damaged.
And money can't pay for that. Not even close.