Sunday, 11 December 2011

Less is more. And elves on steroids.

K, so a fucking elf threw up in my house this weekend.

Despite the fact that my Holiday Spirit flew to the Dominican for Christmas, a dirty little elf apparently snuck in here last night and made a mess of my living room. 

It started with a tree.  And after that, the Christmas bins from my basement showed up in my kitchen.  And before I knew it, THIS happened:



It even SMELLS like elf puke


Luckily the rest of the crap stayed in bins. No garland, no second or third tree, no candles, no table runner, no smelly pine cones.  I think the bastard elf got tired. Or lazy. Or he realized none of this shit really matters. If my Holiday Spirit decided to skip it this year, why should the elf care?

But I guess he does care - just a little - because at some point yesterday this tree of some traditional winter species did appear in my house.  It's a small one, but still.  I don't even know how the little bugger carried it - it's too big for an elf to lift.  He must have some sort of super-elf strength.  He's probably on steroids.  I wonder if Santa knows.  Probably not.  If Santa knew, he would've called the cops or thrown him into rehab by now. 

They should make a rehab facility for elves.  I bet there's a lot of stress for an elf that could easily drive him to drug and alcohol abuse.  And overeating.  How could you not overeat with all those sugarplums around? 

Come to think of it, I think I might start a rehab resort for the mystical creatures of Christmas.  And I wont make them do ANY of the normal Christmas activities.  They can just sit around and eat cheese and peanut butter and play iPhone Scrabble. 

In fact, maybe they could take turns.  Every year, one third of all the Christmas elves can take a year off.  The remaining suckers will still assume the responsibility for the carols, and baking, and cooking, and parties, and lights, and trees while the chosen third enjoy a well-deserved vacation.  It'll be like a shift rotation.  Like a special workplace mental wellness program.  But for elves.

That way, no one elf has to take on all the requirements of the holidays for more than two years in a row.  And when they return to work after their retreat they'll be rested and reminded of the beauty of the holidays.   Distance makes the heart grow stronger and all that. 

Also, the workforce each year will be reduced by one third, which means we can cut one third of the "fat" from the holidays.  The level of cheer and generosity can remain, but with less toy building and crap gift exchanging.  A re-prioritization of duties, so to speak.  A restructuring of Christmas. 

And our new motto? 

Less is more.  We can't do everything, so we'll just do some.

I like this plan.  Help me implement it, won't you?


15 comments:

  1. Ah, smile at the tree and think of it as a vacation tree! ((hugs))

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  2. Boyfriend made fun of me the other day for being the Christmas Grinch. I hate Christmas decorations. Working in retail and being forced to see Christmas shit and listen to Christmas music starting before Thanksgiving makes me hate it all. And Boyfriend is pretty much the opposite--he gets all geeked out about decorations and lights. The way I see it, the less I decorate, the less I have to worry about putting away later

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  3. middlechild - Awesome. Thanks!

    Foxy - Vacation tree! You and I should have gotten Christmas Palm Trees.

    Mel - I hear ya. I worked in a mall for years and it was tough. All our holiday studd goes up right after Halloween (since we don't have the November TGiving). Sickening.

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  4. Hey, a little bit of Christmas is better than nothing at all. Also, I'd like to buy stock in your elf rehab facility. Sounds like fun.

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  5. We got to trudge out to the tree farm today and bring a tree in from the cold, I would have been happy to leave it in the garage, but I f ing decorated it and lit it and it's done. I hope it doesn't take revenge and burn my house down.

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  6. I'm with you...... I got my Christmas spirit on long enough to get some decorations... and now I'm done. I just want to skip past the whole ordeal.

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  7. Ang - You got it. We can be joint owners of you want. You can run American branch.

    madge - Yes, done is good. Once it's done, worry no more about it!

    jaime - Exactly. Just do a little, then be done.

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  8. I'm glad the sneaky elf put up that tree. I hope he even comes back and hangs up a stocking...or four.

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  9. I'M EXACTLY LIKE A METH-RIDDLED ELF ON ROIDS THIS TIME OF YEAR!!!
    The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!
    FA LA LA LA LA!

    PS, try not to be a cotton-head ninny muggins ;)

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  10. I think we're in the same place.....I put up the tree and stockings and that was it. My mom got a hair up her butt and put out all the other stuff (against my wishes) but the kids are happy. As long as we got it clear that what ever you put up you have to take down then I don't care. Figure I only have to take down the tree and 6 stockings. I'm cool with that.

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  11. jacqui - Oh, there are stockings. I was wearing them on my feet them on my feet the other night.

    S - Wow.

    Lizbeth - People and their forceful Christmas cheer are so annoying. I guess it's nice for the kids, but they could do without all the crap I think. And yes, only take down what you put up!

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  12. Can your elf visit my house? Since my mom had her aneurysm in October the bloody Christmas elf left for some time of flippin' vacation. I have my pre-lit tree up with an angle on top and that is it. Christmas is in 10 dys! I have got kids! and my Christmas spirit has been mashed into the ground by the bloody Grinch called aneurysm. What a puke to show up just before all 3 of my kids bdays and Christmas eh? fucker. sorry, to rant. Carry on.

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  13. What the hell is a sugarplum anyway? LB

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  14. LACE - My elf has had it for this year, sorry. Your decor sounds wonderful. Nothing more needed.

    LB - I hoped you could tell me.

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