Monday, 10 October 2011

My new bugga-boo

My dear friends over at Motherhood Uncovered just launched their new website and I'm lucky enough  to take part. (Yes, I know I'm not a mother, but they say it doesn't matter.) My first Motherhood Uncovered post is republished here, for you to enjoy.

Please hop over there and check it out - it's really remarkable how well they've done.  This is one of my fav posts so far.

BUT BEFORE YOU DO! Please read my post about World Mental Health Day


You may or may not know that I’ve been waging an angry war against nasty-ass Depression.

It’s been ugly, but my friend Mr. Drugs and I are holding our own. Even when we can’t rally against our enemies we just bunker down and avoid the weapons being hurled at our heads.

In a manner of speaking.

In another manner of speaking, my A-hole enemies haunt me every day. I’m constantly on guard. I walk around with one of those medieval shields and a giant lance just waiting for something to pummel me.

Full disclosure? Protecting myself all day is effing exhausting. And on top of it, I spend most of my time feeling ashamed, thinking about how I feel less and less like “myself” with every passing moment – more like a weaker me; a failure, an embarrassment.

I know damn well that I’m not supposed to think that. It’s silly. Laughable even. I’m supposed to tell that little jerk inside my head to shut his dirty mouth. But full, FULL disclosure? It’s remarkably difficult to dig UP out of that hole. Which, in turn, makes me feel like I’m failing at fixing myself – an even heavier hit to the gut.

So this is my new bugga-boo. My new pet peeve.

I am going to take everything I have and WIN this war. And then, THEN, I am going to bust through that tall, dark and ugly wall of Stigma that holds me back and throw every busted brick at every douchey person who gets in my way. I do not want to feel like a pathetic loser anymore.

And I’m asking for your help. Help me break the silence around mental illness. Help me kick Stigma’s rotten ass.

Maybe start with a joke.

“I start volunteering as a mentor soon.   Just don’t tell them I was recently suicidal.”

“I told Hubby I could either help him with the dishes or I could go pick up my crazy pills.  It was his decision to make… very. carefully.”

Maybe start mentioning it in conversation. Not with the random guy on the bus, necessarily, but with a friend or a coworker.

“I was late for work this morning (not because I had a headache but) because I’m facing some Depression and it was hard to get going.”

“Sometimes I feel like I can’t deal, but then I [fill in life-saving mantra here] and it gets a little better.”

Finally, talk to loved ones. Even if they don’t get it, they’ll at least listen, and maybe even offer you a book or a meditation CD (which will be infinitely unhelpful, but the sentiment is there).

And the best part? Most everyone you talk to will be able to relate.

“Oh yeah, I took a year off from school because I couldn’t handle it.”

“Oh yeah, my mom took a leave of absence from work when her parents died.”

“Oh yeah, my sister used to cut herself/binge and purge/cry herself to sleep every night.”

This is out there, guys. It’s out there, and the more we’re silent about it the greater chance it has of winning. And I simply cannot live with that.

So today, on World Mental Health Day, tell someone how you’re feeling. Or ask someone how they’re feeling. Or tweet something heartfelt. Or wear a shirt that says “I’m with Crazy -->;” for Christ sakes. 

But whatever you do, please speak up.


  1. I'm glad you are such a little fighter, Marianna! And I know you'll win. Can I wear a t-shirt that says 'I AM crazy' as opposed to 'I'm with crazy'? Since we're being honest and all?

  2. I'm with jacqui, I need a shirt that says "I'm crazy." I'll own that. And thank you for your honesty. I went through a bout after each kid and it stinks. And to deal with it every day? You are my hero.

  3. Yay for you on the Motherhood Uncovered gig :)

    And, as always, thank you for being open about your experience with mental illness. It's good to know we're not alone.

  4. jacqui - Sometimes being a fighter is the only option. Of course you can!

    Lizbeth - Thank you so much. Nice to know you can relate. xo

    Ang - Back at ya chickie!

  5. I am with you on the dishes! The meds I am on are making me gain weight. So I told Brad he could have a thinner mentally cracked me or a fat but more or less mentally stable me . . . it was his choice!

    I see no point in hiding the fact that I have PPD. I am no my diagnosis and it is just a part of who I am at this time. The same for you. It does not define you and you are so much more than it!

  6. Fox - Meds vs dishes/weight? ALWAYS PICK MEDS. ;) Thanks doll.