Wednesday, 26 October 2011

A white tutu, a blow pop, and the scariest things that EVER happened

You guys. Are you aware of what special event is taking place in less than one week?

Yes, yes, you guessed it. I will be shaving my private parts.

No, wait, that's Tuesday nights. My mistake.

Next Monday night will be fun too, however, as it will be HALLOWEEN. The scariest night of the year.


See? Scary.

I love Halloween. I even wrote about it on Cheesy Bloggers this week, and I hope all you halloweenies will write about it too. 

The first Halloween I remember took place at 4 years of age. I was the Tooth Fairy. My mom's clever idea I suppose. I had a white tutu and a wand. And I insisted on leaving coins on neighbours' front porches.

Other years I went as an Indian (feathers, not dots - sorry that's rude), a clown, a baby. We used to sucker some lucky parent into driving us around in their minivan to help transport our multiple pillow cases STUFFED with candy.  And these were the old days, folks - the days of can cola and mixed goodie bags. There were no effing fortune cookies and mini playdough cups back then. This was the real shit. The heavy shit.

I used to wake up early on the weekends and creep (very skillfully across the creaky hardwood floor) into the spare bedroom closet where the giant pillow cases were stored to collect a few handfuls of breakfast. I would carry it in the front of my nightie to the basement, watch tv, and stuff my face.

Until one morning Mom called my name. I came bounding up the stairs two at a time without thinking and looked up at mom... with nothing other than a blow pop sticking out of my face. "Gotcha" was the look on her face. "Oh. Shit." was the look on mine.

When I got to 9th grade I was AGHAST that Mom wouldn't let me trick-or-treat with my friends. She said I was too old. WAY TO RUIN MY LIFE, MOM. Instead I ate candy, watched The Simpsons Halloween specials, and handed out treats to little kids. Ever since then I've preferred the handing-out-candy part to the walking-around-in-the-cold part.

I still dress up though - at work. One year I was a terrifying zombie bride, and then Maryann on a 3-hour tour. Last year I followed the yellow brick road in some WICKED ruby red shoes.

I haven't decided this year, but I'm leaning toward garden gnome. Because if you know me, you know that garden gnomes are THE SCARIEST FUCKING THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED.

Other than that I have no big plans. Maybe another pumpkin carving contest, of which Hubby will fiercely protest and then take tremendously seriously until he wins all the little kiddies' votes and gets to brag about it for years to come.

Welcome to my life.



  1. Yeah see, Halloween is not my thing. Of course I love the candy but I have never been much for the dressing up part. I took the kids around last year and so this year I am hoping to be the one to stay home and hand out the candy.

    Remember how cool it was to get that can of pop? Those houses were always so popular!

  2. One of the greatest Simpsons moments ever!

  3. Man, now I'm sort of wishing I would've bought a costume! I love halloween but spending $45 on a costume is just not my thing. You know, 'thing' meaning I'm a totally cheap skate.

    Have fun being a garden gnome. Those things are pretty freakin' creepy btw :0

  4. I can totally picture both expressions. Love it.

    My mom used to make us give her a "cut" for carrying all the heavy shit we would unload into the pillowcases SHE was carrying for us (we went for max candy).

    I always resented it... now I appreciate how shitty and boring her job was on Halloween.

    I want to do something fun, but the new hubs HATES halloween, so I can't wear my pirate wench costume out anywhere. What's that you ask? No, I have no friends.

  5. Fox - I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope you get to hand out candy. You should dress up a little - maybe some black lipstick?

    Heather - I know! It's totally one of my favs. My friend and I used to quote it constantly. And in my current circumstances, it seems to suit me.

    Lin - I hate spending money too. Value Village man. And just a few key pieces. I'd much rather spend my money on candy.

    Stephanie - A cut!? My mom used to just steal it without me knowing. he hates it?! That's even more upsetting!

  6. That sounds like an awesome Halloween to me. I've even thought of a way for you to not have to let Hubby brag about the fact that he's the best pumpkin carver for years to come. Just carve a better one than he does.