Wednesday, 30 June 2010

M.C. Slammer

That’s my roller girl name.

You may remember that I was very excited about going to a roller derby.  Well, we went last weekend.  And it was awesome.

The rules are hard to catch, but here are the basics:
  • The two teams line up on the track at the starting line - this creates the “pack”. 
  • Each team also has a jammer. 
  • The two jammers chase the pack. 
  • The jammers’ job is to get through the pack, and then lap them around the track as many times as possible. 
  • Each team earns points for every member of the opposite team that their jammer passes. 
  • Problem is, the pack isn’t going to make it easy for the jammers to pass.  (Although your team will help propel you, the other team will stop you by pretty much any means necessary.)
Friggin cool.

So, I’ve since decided that in my imaginary life, I’m a roller girl.  I’m tough.  I wear fishnet stockings and knee pads.  I know how to roller skate.  And I’m good at it.  I grunt.  And when I hit the pavement, I get right back up.  I have a pack of roller girl friends.  And an even bigger pack of roller girl enemies.  On a roller rink, I am the epitome of power.  And I love it.

In my real life, I was just a spectator on the sidelines of a very cool, but much less melodramatic display of feminine superiority.

It wasn’t actually as rough as I expected.  Perhaps I just have a violent nature, but I thought they’d be beating the shit out of each other at every opportunity.  Not quite.  It was actually pretty tame.  (Well, if tame equates to a pack of girls shoving each other into the cement, then, yeah, it was tame.)  Don’t get me wrong – it was no picnic at Grandma’s, but it wasn’t an ass-kicking brawl either.  It was smarter than that.  More strategic.

Also, it turns out that these two teams were sister teams.  The Slaughter Daughters have taught the Riot Squad everything they know.  And it shows.

They still creamed them, however.  The score was, like, 250 to 40, or something ridiculous.  Imagine if they were playing a rival team.  Imagine if they were trying to cream them.  Now that would be amazing to watch.

In any case, it was friggin sweet.  And I gotta give those girls credit where credit is due.  Not only can they remain (mostly) standing on their skates, but they can race on them.  They can evade and block their opponents while strategically manoeuvring their teammates through a pack of angry women. 

It’s really quite a sight.  I wish I was cool/brave/stupid enough to take part...


  1. Very cool! I haven't been to roller-derby, but I hear it's pretty awesome. Sadly, my roller-skating prowess reached its zenith in the 6th-grade after-school skate, when I managed to skate while holding some boy's sweaty hand. I should've done less sweaty-hand-holding and more pushing-broads-into-walls. I guess being a roller derby super-star is not in my near future.

  2. Yes, less sweaty hand-holding and more body checking is the way to go. Remember to teach your children that little tidbit.

  3. I so love this post! Now I want a roller derby name and fishnets...but I really don't think I could come up with a better name than MC Slammer.

  4. Thanks! Yes. You need a name. What about Bitchin Chicken?