Friday, 14 June 2013

Hello Antepartum Depression

Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Or I guess it would just be partum depression? Because it's 4am and I've been laying here for an hour realizing that I have not felt any good for an extremely long time.

I've stopped blogging lately, because all I can really think to blog about is how hard this pregnancy is, but I'm pretty sure most people either don't understand that, don't buy it, are sick of hearing it, or are judging me for it. 

Add to that a month of pregnancy complications that are beating the shit out of me (and Hubby) and then ask us if we'd ever do this again...

So I stay silent. 

And it eats me alive.

Somehow I'm supposed to go into labour/delivery/newborn/parenthood mode on this remarkably *depleated* capacity. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?  Everyone keeps saying "the first three months are hell."  What am I supposed to do with that information? I apparently can't handle the 9 months prior to the three-month hell and you want me to raise a child on top of it?  My body and mind are clearly not strong enough to grow the human, let alone be its mother. 

At this point, I feel like the only thing I have to cling to is the possibility of upcoming *change*.  I already adore this little Fraggle more than anything and I really just need her to be OUT of my body. I need to go for a bike ride. I need to roll over onto my stomach. I need to pick something up off the floor. I need to hug her and soothe her and call her by name. 

But I can't do any of that. So instead I face every day like a marathon and try to find any single solitary little source of stability that provides any small fraction of peace. 

But I'm running out of sources...


Elle (below) shared this link with me.

The Beast Known As Antepartum Depression - By Allison Zapata

Although my situation hasn't gotten as bad as it can for others (yet), I apparently am experiencing what's called Antepartum Depression.  I wouldn't be so quick to self-diagnose if I didn't already have a propensity for Depression in the first place.  It's been a slow build-up over time, magnified by recent complications and doctors orders to stay still all the time - the Stir Crazy has added to the already-existing Crazy and I'm running out of power to overcome.

But having a name for it helps, and knowing there are some women out there who understand and who are maybe not judging me helps too.  I also have a therapist that will get me through and an understanding and supportive Hubby who *always* makes me feel unconditionally loved.  And then there's hope - hope that when this adorable little darling arrives I will find some form of peace... new stressors, sure, but hopefully some new strength as well.


  1. You don't work do you? As much as I complain about work and how much I hate work, I think through having both of my kids, it has kept me sane. Something to stay focused on and DO.
    As for hating being pregnant, I feel ya sister. You sound like you maybe the only woman on earth that hates it more than I did, but boy I was miserable!!! I cried many nights...I just wanted to sleep on my fucking front!!! (among 1000 other things) So, no, you are not alone there. Our brand of extreme loathing maybe rare, but dude, you're growing nother HUMAN INSIDE YOUR BODY!! (I also used to freak out about that thought...) Your hormones are on blast, just fucking write about it, who cares what you THINK we wanna hear or understand...just write - put that shit out of your body and onto the interwebz! I will be thinking about you...
    <3 Devan

    1. Yeah I work - hard, actually. But doctors have had me working from home for the last 3 or 4 weeks and the Stir Crazy has just been adding to the already-existing Crazy. I don't loathe everything all the time, but my patience and capacity have worn so thin that my tolerance is fading...

      Thank you for always saying such supportive things. :)

  2. First things first **HUGS** many, many hugs

    Everyone always talks about what a beautiful thing pregnancy is and how it's the best thing that ever happened to them. But for some reason, they don't talk enough about how awful it can be. Or if they do it's in a "The pain and torment I'm going through now is part of what makes me a strong and beautiful baby-bearing GODDESS!" kind of way.

    My best friend just had her baby at the beginning of April. When she got pregnant she stopped her anti-anxiety and depression meds and had a horrible mental time during the pregnancy. She thought no one understood the pain she was going through because NO ONE talks about the mental torment.

    You will be a good mother, I promise you that you are capable. And I don't mean "You will be a perfect and faultless mother". Those don't exist. I mean that you will be the best mother you can be and that your child will be loved and well-cared for. This pregnancy thing can be hell, and I don't know if it'll help to hear it - but you are not alone. I don't know why people don't talk about it more openly, but I promise, other women have gone through this as well. It's only for a little while longer (which I'm sure feels like eternity at this point!!) and then you'll have your beautiful little baby.

    Sending peaceful and positive energy to you!

    1. Thank you so much. I'm hopeful that I'll feel better when she comes... right now the shame in my lack of capacity and fear of her well-being are so overwhelming.

  3. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pregnancy is hard as hell. Anyone who says otherwise is high on something. Needless to say, it's such a huge change and your body gets out of whack. There is something called antepartum depression that happens during pregnancy. Here's a link with info...

    We're all here for you and truly care. Reach out if you need to. xo

    P.S. I don't know if you follow @allisonzapata but she also had a rough go of it. She has openly blogged about her experiences with antepartum depression...

    Sorry for all the links but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

    1. Wow. I can't tell you how much this helps Elle. Thank you. Just giving something a name helps. I haven't yet reached Allison's level of antepartum depression, but I have so many of the same feelings...

      Thank you for sharing dear.

  4. Dear Marianna, I love you. You are an amazing human being who is about to give birth to another amazing human being, and all this pain, fear, sadness, will all be worth it. I promise you that.

    1. I have to keep telling myself that. Thank you.


    I can't imagine what you're going through.... depression on top of pregnancy just scares the ever-loving shit out of me... I know there's nothing I can do but offer eSupport via eHugs.. :)

    1. Support is all I need. If possible, the shame and embarrassment of this depression is worse than the original depression. Even though this depression isn't as bad or as dark. Weird...

  6. Oh goddess... I'm the one that's been telling you that the first three months are hard. THE GUILT. OK - let me be clear: The first three months are hard, BUT they are easier than pregnancy, particularly a complicated third trimester because you DO have your body back and you DO get to hold baby and those moments are so beautifully restorative that they are technically therapy (don't look that up; just trust me). I have NO doubt - NONE - that you are going to be a wonderful mother, providing everything Baby D will need, AS YOU ALREADY ARE. I'm coming over next week to Pep Talk the shit out of you. GET READY FOR IT. (In short, trust our faith in you and our faith and familiarity with the process... many of us have been there. Dark humour and cute baby milestones help it all carry on. Don't be ashamed of that - use it!) xo xo LB

    1. You are not the one. You've been more helpful than anyone. Believe me. It's just a stupid line that everyone says - a lady in fucking fabricland said it yesterday.

      I would love a visit :)

  7. Oh hun, antepartum depression sucks so hard. I had my ass kicked by postpartum with the first which magically transformed into antepartum with the second and settled in to a marvelous case of severe postpartum after his arrival.

    I write all that because I am better (mostly) and you will be better and you will rock this whole being a parent bit! The intense lack of sleep is insanely difficult but it will get better and that will help. I know that you are strong enough to ask for help if things just get too hard. From what I can tell, you are already an amazing mom and it will be that much easier when you get to actually hold your baby. Those tiny hands will make you feel in awe and will bring lightness to you . . . at least they did for me.