Monday, 11 March 2013

Phase three of growing a tiny human

Hello dear friends.  Amazingly, I've managed to keep up with my iPhone pregnancy journal.  I know.  Incredible right?  So, picking up where I last left off...

December 26
[Telling the fam…]
Whoa THAT was a lot to take in. Glad everyone is excited but holy, overwhelming is an understatement.  

December 27
What do you mean the baby might not be ok?  Oh.  So that's the panic and fear everyone is talking about that will last for the next 50 years.  I was not AT ALL prepared for that.  The only thing keeping me sane right now? Tuxedo Cat is in a bag.

December 29
Much more emotionally stable today.  For now anyway.

December 31
I'm gonna be the dancin mom. All 90s all the time. I'm gonna learn all the backstreet boys dance moves. Mmmm Bop baby.

January 4
Dr appointment today. I love my doctor. I trust no one else. Everyone's a HACK. [And yes the baby was ok.  This is a reference to the fact that emergency room doctors are apparently not at all qualified to deal with such an array of medical concerns. My own doctor is never allowed to leave me.]

January 6
My doctor got me thinking about a midwife. Never considered it before. Don't know why. I guess I thought a 19 year old hippie named Willow wearing a hemp skirt would come to my house and whisper at me while I pushed a human out of my vagina “naturally” in a plastic kiddie pool. Turns out? Not exactly.

January 7
Hubby just came home from work with the RANKEST odor.  And proceeded to blame MY heightened sense of smell... uh, no. Do something about that.  Immediately.  

January 8
Wow. So, going to sleep at 7:30 every night is a real thing, eh.

January 9
I can't decide if dinner in bed is good for the soul or a very bad sign.  

January 10
Hey pants. You're too small. Fuck off.

January 11
Hubby was reading about baby proofing. "You're supposed to go around on your knees to see stuff from the baby's perspective. Luckily, Honey, I guess you won't have to do that."   Nice. Throw a short joke at the grumpy pregnant lady.

January 15

January 30
Yay Hubby building the crib! I helped.  Mostly by sitting in the rocking chair.  But when asked to hold up one side, I totally did it.  I held that sucker up for at least 10 minutes.  ("held" = put my hand on it until I realized my hand was no longer needed because it was all done anyway)

My handywork

February 4

I was TOTALLY just advised by my doctor that my extra 300 calories per day can be junk food if good food is unappetizing.  Even better, Hubby needs to back off giving me a hard time about it. Bring on the Crispers.

February 8
So sleeping on my stomach is uncomfortable, and sleeping on my back will apparently result in the apocalypse. So, sides only? MY HIPS HURT.

February 9

February 10
I've had the most bizarre change of heart in the last couple of days. No more baby. Ha just kidding. I actually just think a boy would be good. Girls are assholes. I vote boy.

February 11
First day with elastic pants. I've put it off as long as humanly possible. One benefit: peeing is way easier when all you do is slide down your waistband.

February 19
Ultrasound day. Sitting in the waiting room.  No, Hubby, I don't have any games in my purse.  And to the lady filing her nails: STOP IT.

What do you MEAN it's a girl? What does that mean

February 20
Remember when I wanted to be kicked? So masochistic. Now? Stop kicking me you little brat! Ok don't,  But still.

February 28
Worst. Sleeping. Ever. Ouch my back. Ouch my hips. OUCH.

March 1
I'm beginning to think this baby is like Hubby. Can't sit still! My whole insides are flailing.  Either that or she's like me - a total asshole.  

March 3
My new nemesis? Indigestion. Which is particularly terrible for someone who physically does not know HOW to burp. (Swallow my air, I know I know. DOESN'T WORK YOU GUYS.)

March 4
We bought a stroller yesterday! And now I wish I had a baby to put into it. So far, all I have is a Tuxedo Cat.  But he likes riding around, that's for sure.  

March 5
My mood today equates to this: 

March 6
Bought our bassinet! And the cats love that too it.

March 7

March 9
Whatever you do, do NOT google "placenta images"

March 10
Ok. Who gave this little thing a bongo to play inside my uterus?  She could also probably stop jumping trampoline on my cervix.  


  1. Ugh! The hip pain is the worst! Pillows never worked for me. I always had to prop myself at an odd angle on the couch to get some sleep. Hopefully you have found something that works for you!

    1. I know! Everyone keeps saying "hey, have you tried a body pillow?" What a novel idea! It does seem to help some though. I just worry because it's only gonna get worse.

  2. Have I ever mentioned how much I love your hyper-active brain? Because I really, really do. A lot. Man alive that little grrl is going to be so lucky! xo LB

    1. The hjyperactivity really does show itself in this post doesn't it. Lucky and spoiled and hopefully not *too* crazy. The only thing that will save her is that she's half Hubby. xo


    That is all.

    1. :) I'm more pregnant now, and so less cute and more large.

  4. First of all, I take offense to that, Carmen. (JK)

    Second - bwhahahaha, I fucking LOVE IT and I GET IT. Pregnancy sucks donkey balls. And if you share your true thoughts on those goddamned Mom & Baby boards, you are blacklisted and told you are a horrible human. (In this case "you" really means "me").

    Honest, everything is aching. Everything causes heartburn. Pooping? What's that?

    1. I'm so glad you understand! I avoid those websites. I share my thoughts here and on twitter, where people can choose not to read it! And in real life when no matter what they can't get away from me. Ha!

      What is this pooping of which you speak?

  5. Holy crow you're totes adorbs! (see what I did there?) Seriously tho, nice job on the crib and growing a human LIKE A BOSS. You're my hero because of your honesty ;) by the way..what's a crisper?

    1. Aw thanks! LIKE A BOSS is right! I like that.

      Crispers! The cracker/chip. My gosh you're missing out!

  6. My hips hurt like a sonofabitch when I was growing a human. What helped? The pillows, and I know you've heard it but hear me out. Put pillows between your knees (laying on your side) thick enough to cause your knees to be straight out from your hips. You may need 2-3 pillows (may not leave room for hubby, but he's optional at this point anyways). So looking at you, your leg from the hip to knee should be parallel to the bed. If you only use one pillow your knee will still sloap down, putting pressure on the hip, jack that puppy UP! (not so much that it is above hip level though, again-pressure) Try it please, I promise I didn't find this written anywhere, just discovered it by accident and had MUCH relief!!! Good baby growing babe! <3 Devan

    1. Aw you're sweet. Yes I've tried all of that and heard it repeatedly! :) I always slept with a million pillows and I have tons more now! It helps, but doesn't fix it. I miss my former sleeping patterns! (The next thing everyone says: "wait till the baby comes!") thanks doll xo

    2. I just started using a massive stuffed animal between my knees. Still doesn't help. :(