Sunday, 17 March 2013

He didn't even lose his shit

Grocery shopping is a shit show.  This is a fact of life.

For Hubby and I, grocery shopping is more than a shit show - it is a devastating ordeal of remarkable proportions.  We either argue about Hubby's 15 minute pickle-selection process, or Hubby's 20 minute cereal-selection process, or Hubby's 25 minute sauce-selection process.  Or the fact that not every set of apples needs its own environmentally unfriendly plastic bag.

Today, however, we did quite well.  We didn't need much, just a few snacks to satisfy this tiny human I'm growing.  We made it through the produce section (with only one minor "discussion" about whole grain bread), and then it happened... I could tell, Hubby was starting to lose it...

For some unknown reason, I was in a perfectly pleasant mood.  Normally, the insanity that is a discount grocery store on a Sunday afternoon would be too much for me to handle (RUN THE FUCKERS OVER), but today I was downright calm and cheerful.  Blame hormones?

Hubby, on the other hand, was on the BRINK.  Although entirely imperceptible to anyone but me, the small aisles, large carts and idiot people were starting to sloooowly push him closer and closer to the edge.  It wasn't obvious, it was subtle - a little twitch in his eye, a sigh now and then, an occasional speed-walk past a fellow shopper.

But I could tell.  I could see it.

And what did I do to prevent his meltdown? Absolutely nothing.  I just kept moseying through the aisles, asking the dumbass store kid to find my soup, and oooh look ice cream sandwiches!

Then we got to the end, and I thought one particular encounter would really send Hubby into the realm of intolerance that would result in total abandonment of our grocery mission:

There was a 4 year old randomly running through the crowds like a stun-gun victim - only made worse when his dad (who probably stun-gunned the stupid kid in the first place) started shouting at him FROM 8 AISLES AWAY, only to receive a insolent exposed tongue before the kid took off in the opposite direction reverting to his original "I'm a demented airplane without a steering wheel" style.

But no.  That was oddly NOT the end of Hubby as I knew him.  Sure, I knew what he was thinking ("I will SO not let my kid do that" and "get me the fuck out of here"), but he didn't verbalize it.  He simply found the path of least resistance to the cashier.

To top it off, he returned the cart to its little hut without even reclaiming his deposit quarter, and now I don't know what to do with the world.  


  1. He sounds like me when I am at the grocery store. I am slowly starting to lose it if I am in the store too long or if it is really crowded.

    That kid sounds annoying. If my kid was doing that I would have left the store until she was able to behave. Nobody wants to deal with a kid running through the aisles.

    1. You should have seen the kid! And his dad full-out SHOUTING through the busy store. Too funny.

  2. I have nothing to add, except to say that I *like* this post and it entertained me greatly. Also, that your hubby is a Saint.

  3. Hubby needs these for his apples

    1. Ha! It's me who hates having 15 separate plastic bags for each set of fruit. Hubby hates having to deal with loose apples floating aroud the cart. If either of us could ever remember to BRING the reuseable bags, we totally would!

  4. He's becoming a proto-parent. Hilarious description though of grocery store troubles. I do the groceries at my house because it avoids the conflict that having both of us there would. I also go early on Saturday morning before the crowds form, which also makes it easier to handle.

    Oh, and did you know that Men and Women totally shop differently in grocery stores? I saw a graph one time in the book Stuffed and Starved. It was amazing that they could identify the gender from the shopping pattern with a high degree of confidence.

    1. If I could bare to get up early and leave the house I would totally do that too. But as you know, mornings are assholes.

      Cool. Like, shop differently how? I'm curious now.

  5. Replies
    1. damn right! I think I shall have one right now!