Thursday, 10 May 2012

Leave my vagina alone, please.

What a wonderful day I had today.  I bet you'd all like to hear about it. 

I had a lovely appointment with my doctor this morning that I wasn't at all late for.  It was such a pleasant appointment, too.  Which of course did not include a pap smear with a plastic thing shoved up my hoo-haw.  And the doctor didn't even forget to do some other random uterus swab, and I didn't therefore have to lay BACK DOWN for her to finish her important work inside my va-jay-jay. 

Then I didn't have to spend 30 dollars on a birthday cake for a colleague. 

THEN I totally didn't have an afternoon full of annoying meetings at work.  All my non-meetings were particularly productive and especially hilarious.  I came away feeling extremely useful and like a valuable member of my organization. 

Also, the hem on my pants stayed intact all day long.  I was totally not walking around all afternoon carrying my pant leg in my left hand.  Because that would've been a real pain. Had that happened.  Which it didn't. 

After all that, I didn't have to rush to an appointment with my therapist.  I drove there smoothly, without coming across even one obnoxious protest-related traffic jam.  I was perfectly on time for my appointment - early even - and I got the opportunity to talk to my therapist for the following hour about how sane and rational I am at all times.  It's embarrassing, actually, what great shape I'm in.  I love getting up to face the day.  (It's also embarrassing that I can totally afford the 160 bucks it cost for my therapist to tell me about my mental stability.) 

To top off my near-perfect day, I in no way witnessed an automobile accident in which a cab driver's car spun in multiple circles across 5 lanes of traffic directly behind me.  Any day that you don't have to call 911 is a good day!  Lucky, too, because that type of traumatic event could cause a sane person (such as myself) to react calmly and rationally - with regular breathing patterns, a slow heartbeat, and very dry eyes. 

I think the best part of today was my evening of peace and quiet

Not once did I have to re-live a terrifying experience over the phone to a cop who is investigating a car crash.

Not once did I have to consider calling in sick tomorrow. 

Not once did I regret leaving the house in the fucking first place this morning. 

My life is soooo relaxing.  Ahhhhh...

*gentle exhale*


21 comments:

  1. Oh no :-( I'm so sorry!!! You know what would make you feel better? Come over to my blog and insult some people for making stupid comments :-)

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  2. Nnnnooooo! I HATE that this day was such an a##hole to you. Hate, hate, hate. Silver lining? LOVE that as a result of sarcasm therapy (aka this post) you still found a way to positively contribute to other people's days (i.e. mine, who currently feels really cool to have someone as witty as you as my friend). Um, also, what kinda cake? :)

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    1. Thank you dear. This comment helped! I, too, was glad I could find some honour in it.

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  3. i'm so sorry.... what a horrible day! hey.. do you know why they call it a pap smear? ..cuz if they called it what it is, a cunt scraping.. no woman would get it done!

    hope you have a better day tomorrow!

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    1. Thanks! Friday was better. Given that nobody scraped my hoohaw

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  4. Holy hell that is one busy (and at times, pretty shitty) day. Hopefully the rest of your week was better :)

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    1. I had a lovely weekend that made up for it. :)

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  5. Why didn't you call? I would have taken your doctor AND therapy appts. for you. 'Course then other shit would have happened to make up the awesome day you had. So...how long you planning to lay under the covers?

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    1. It was tempting to lay user the covers for three days. I managed to survive!

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  6. And if that were me, I'd be curled up in the fetal position in some random corner....

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    1. I pretty much was. An then I wrote this which i think helped.

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  7. I am sad for you. STUPID LIFE LEAVE MARIANNA ALONE

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  8. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I think with the first few things I would have really lost my shit and been stuck in a straight jacket and would've had to type a post like this with my toes.

    And I second what Carmen says!

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    1. Maybe I did write it with my toes! Thanks hon.

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  9. WHY DIDN"T ANY OF YOU TELL ME I TYPED "here" INSTEAD OF "hear" IN THE FIRST DAMN LINE. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

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  10. *Hug* Well I didn't get here yet... or else I might have pointed it out...
    If I was better at drawing comics I think I would totally put you're blog into visual form.
    Actually I might just try and do that at some point.

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  11. Oh! I'm so sorry! You handled it better than I would!

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    1. Well, I guess that's something... ha! ;)

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