Monday, 17 January 2011

Walmart is going to make me cut off my arm

How much do you hate Walmart?  

An effing lot, I bet.   

And do you still go there? 

Sure you do.  And so do I. 

And before you tell me I should support local shopkeepers before I support giant Walmart, consider this. 

First, I friggin do - when I can.

And second, when you haven't really gone grocery shopping since before your sixteen-people-for-Christmas-dinner dinner, and you need to stock all your shelves - fridge, pantry, and otherwise - it's just friggin cheaper, people.  I can't save the world every day.

Now, of course there are a few obvious rules for Walmart shopping. 

For example:
  • don't go on a weekend;
  • get everything you could possibly need so you don't have to go back any time soon;
  • try to find a semi-coherent and competent cashier so you're not waiting in line for an hour;
  • but, not so competent that he or she notices the kitty litter under the cart (just kidding?). 

Well, my first mistake was going to Walmart at all, let alone on a weekend. 

But I did it anyway. 

And holy shit there were so many frigging people in there. 

Every last one of them a godforsaken idiot

And if one more old smelly lady mosied across my aisle one more effing time... or if one more child shouted his ghost/wolf call from the next aisle over for one more minute... or if one more father let his two young daughters talk him into not one, but TWO more packs of jello cancer cups... or if one more shelf of my favourite pasta, or my favourite yogurt, or my favourite granola bars was empty... or if I got sucked into one more last-minute cashier lineup impulse buy, like the Energizer plastic battery glow stick...

I was going to go postal. 

I was going to start screaming... or riding my cart down the aisles and running people over... or throwing giant cans of tomato sauce and those little tangerine oranges at everyone in sight... or calling child services, for godsake, because what sane parent would bring their kids to Walmart to buy jello cups?

Or all of the above. 

In that order.

Repeatedly.  

And I wouldn't even feel guilty, either, because I figure if you're going to avoid total lunacy in Walmart, you have to find a way to survive. 

Whatever it takes. 

Like that guy who cut off his own arm in the cave.

__

2 comments:

  1. I think that jello cups act as babysitters in some cultures.

    And if I didn't love those teeny little tangerine orange-thingies, I would so the same.

    Thanks for sharing your link! And for maintaining your sanity!

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

    _

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  2. I like tangerines too, but sometimes we need to make sacrafices. Sometimes idiots in Wal-mart leave me no choice!

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