Friday, 23 April 2010

All Thumbs

You know how people are always saying you should slow down when you eat so you eat LESS and don't become (or remain) a fat pig?  Like you should chew each bite of your food 100 times?  Or is that brush your hair 100 times? 

Whatever - it doesn't matter - the point is, people are always saying that to be healthy you shouldn't shove so much food in your mouth so quickly; that if you could slow down for a fricking minute you wouldn't eat so damn much and then wouldn't hate yourself later.  Fair point.  

So, I have the solution for all the fat pigs (including me) who pile food into their mouths like eating is goin out of style... all those oinkers who basically need two forks (or even better, two giant spoons) - one for each hand - so they can scoop with one arm and stuff their faces with the other. 

It isn't complicated.  It's a fairly simple solution, actually. 

Chop sticks.  

Yep , you heard me. 

Chop sticks. 

I do NOT give a flying fat RAT how good you think you are with chop sticks - you aren't good enough

Unless you grew up in some freaking cool country where they actually use them - where forks and spoons are obsolete - where the culture is older than two measly centuries - where eating is not a luxury but a goddam necessity - you are NOT a chop stick guru.  

So I say: give all the biggie piggies chop sticks. 

If we had to struggle with our food at every meal our stomachs would have time to tell our brains that we were full before we ate nine times the recommended daily does of sustenance. 

And imagine all the people (all the people who really understand chop sticks - better than they understand forks) who could sit back and watch us all struggle. 

Imagine it for a second. 

Imagine that for everything you ate (including chicken alfredo, and hot dogs, and jello, and cake, and Timbits, and 2 for 4 Mama Burgers) you had to sit down at a table and try to get two long pointy sticks to guide that food into your mouth. 

And you couldn't use your hands, either, no matter how tempting.  You'd be ostracized from the community if you ate with your hands, or your face, or a shovel.  It's either sticks or starve. 

It's quite an image, eh?   

Simply put:  I think the world would be downright. better. off. if forks and spoons were outlawed. 

I just might try it.  You should try it too - you should try it for a week and see if you lose 20 pounds.  Go ahead.  I dare you. 


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