Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Phase one of growing a tiny human

In case you missed my post the other day, I'm totally preggers you guys.  Full on growing a tiny human over here. 

Because I was desperately missing my blog and twitter outlet during the whole "try to keep this GIANT NEWS a secret for three entire months" time frame, I kept a brief diary in my kickass iPhone. 

Here are my earliest entries:

October 27

Miss Sarcasm arrived to visit me last night! We went to dinner and ate unpasteurized cheese and drank a glass of wine.  "Are you pregnant?" the waiter asked.  Nope! Bring on the bacteria cheese and alcohol!

But in the back of my mind? My period was due today... and yet, no sign of it...

October 28

Ok no period.  Must go to the drug store.  Then shopping and lunch with Miss Sarcasm!

I thought I'd take the test later tonight, once we went to bed.  But when I got home from lunch, I just couldn't wait any longer.  So I peed.  And guess what. 

1-2 what?  Children?

HOLY FUCK.  I was totally not expecting that.  I even bought 2 tests, because I'd need one of them next time, right?  Doesn't it take months and months to get pregnant? It's been maybe three months.  And I'm pretty sure we didn't even understand the precise timing requirements for the first two months.  So lucky...

And of course I couldn't even wait two minutes to tell Hubby.  Even though he was in the bathroom. 

"Hubby! Come out! I have something to tell you!"

When he walked out, I just said it.  "I'm pregnant!"  Then I hysterically laughed and waved a pee stick in his face and he just shouted "Are you serious?!" over and over while I freaked out. 

(Then for about 2 weeks after that, every single time he and I caught each other's eye, we'd raise our eyebrows, pull our cheeks back showing our teeth, and inhale deeply, to reveal an awkward panicked smile-type laugh.  Every. Single. Time.)

October 28

Oh, poor Hubby has to scoop the kitty litter.  SUCKER. 

Turns out, though, that I have to give up ALL THE THINGS.  What the fuck?  I can't even have a scalding hot bath - my favourite type of bath.  And yummy bacteria cheese? Gone.  And WINE. I can't even talk about wine. 

On the up-side, I get to use pregnancy as an excuse for pretty much everything.  So there's that.

October 29

I'm a mess. Fucking student doctor scaring the shit out of me and still managing to NOT answer a single one of my questions directly. I'm surely guilty for anything that goes wrong. This is too much responsibility.

October 31

And the hormones begin!  So emotional. Freak out at work and irritable with Hubby too. Not that that's any different, really, come to think of it.

Otherwise?  No symptoms!  No sore nipples, no sickness, no anything. I'm like one of those freaks who wouldn't know she's pregnant until a baby appeared in the toilet. (Which SERIOUSLY happened to a girl at my office. She really just thought she'd gained weight and had stomach problems. Until she gave birth in her bathroom. Then she called her mom. WHOA.)

I have to keep reminding myself that I haven't had my period. That's really the only proof for christsakes. 

November 7

I can't poop! That is so not like me.  I'm a pooping expert. 

And a nosebleed? What the fuck is that?

But Hubby found a random sign today, which is super exciting.



November 8

It's a sad day when I have to eat my cats' Metamucil.

November 9

I told hubby I wanted a girl.  A boy would be fine too, but I don't know what to do with a boy. Changing a diaper with one of those little things pointing at me would be super weird.

Later, Hubby spent a good five minutes crawling around on the kitchen floor, following me as I walked around, trying to hook my feet with the long string that he pulled out of his hoodie. Aaaannnddd this what having boys is like, then?

November 10

Are you in there little fetus? In 9 months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas...




Oh, Phoebe.


More to come! Let the illness begin...

25 comments:

  1. Congrats to you and your hubby! And keep these secret iPhone posts coming! That's some funny stuff right there.

    I never did the pregnancy thing the pretty way. I despise those people who say they loved being pregnant. I could be the poster child for all the horrible pregnancy symptoms. The first time I thought perhaps, was a fluke. After the second time I was certain I wanted no more children.

    That being said, having two boys is a lot more fun than I ever thought it would be!

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    1. So glad you said that! It's not all bad, but I'm not all rainbows an roses either. Plus, I have another whole 6 months to wait! Impatient.

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  2. congrats! (i got to you from elle over at mommyhood.) funny blog. i may have to stalk you so i apologize in advance. ;o) good luck with the pregnancy - it'll be over before you know it. i have four kids and it seems like the time flies faster and faster now. happy new year!

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    1. Well welcome! And thank you!
      FOUR KIDS? That's disturbing... ;)

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  3. OMG this is so exciting! Congratulations! I'm pretty sure not having to scoop cat poop would be one of the best things about being pregnant. However, I don't think I'd do so well with all of the things you're not supposed to eat. I'd be all, "when my mom was pregnant with me in the 70s blah, blah, blah" then eat that raw cookie dough.

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    1. Thanks! I know eh. I just argued with Hubby about how the smell of bathtub cleaner isn't good for anyone, let alone a fetus. But that two minutes of a weird smell isn't going to kill our baby. Probably. Maybe. Oh fuck it. He can clean it.

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  4. Metamucil? You're crazy. Also? Yes, that is EXACTLY what having a boy is like. EXACTLY

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    1. Hey man. When a person needs Metamucil she needs Metamucil. It was really bothering me!

      Oh. Great.

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  5. YAY YAY YAY!
    That bacteria cheese was fucking delicious!
    And I miss you.
    And your cats.
    And your fetus I don't even know yet.
    I'm so glad I was there for that weekend
    And I KEPT IT A GIANT SECRET!!

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    1. Yes it was. Except that one sewagey one.

      And I miss you too!
      And your cats.
      And your kids I've never even met yet.

      You knowing my secret was a saviour.

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    2. oh yes. The cheese that tasted like barn.

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  6. I totally want you to have a boy. A girl would be too easy for you. You with a son would be timeless HILARITY!! Also, I didn't know about the kitty litter box until I was about 8 months along. Maybe that's how I ended up with twins? xo LB

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    1. Don't tell hubby, but the kitty litter thing isn't really as bad as it sounds. Shhh

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  7. I couldn't handle all those months without my bacteria infested soft cheese. A doctor told me in the beginning of my pregnancy that I couldn't even have my beloved cream cheese with a toasted sesame bagel. Then I was told towards the end of my pregnancy that of course I can have cream cheese. That doctor is now dead.

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    1. CREAM CHEESE?! That's absurd. People say soft cheese, but the risk is just when it's unpasturized. Cream cheese is probably more processed than any other possible cheese! You poor thing.

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  8. I love the diary! You always crack me up and make my day so much better :)

    The only thing I stayed away from while pregnant was the alcohol, everything else..fair game! Soft cheese, Soft serve ice cream, hair dye and highlights, lunchmeats..you name it I ate it or used it and my THREE BOYS are tooootally normal(ish).

    I hope you have a boy..you need to have a boy first!

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    1. You are so effing sweet. Thank you :)

      i think most of that stuff is just in case I get sick from the bacteria, since my immune system is lower. and i HATE being sick! So I've been avoiding bacteria, or trying at least. But I probably breathe in a can of hairspray every day, and that can't be good for anybody.

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  9. Fun fun! You guys are super cute. You'll be great parents.

    Oh and boys are much easier to change than girls. I'm kinda an expert as my mom sort of 'gave' me my youngest brother (13 year younger, long story) it wasn't weird, except the one time he kept giggling (but that was because the wipe was cold I found out later, thank GOD). Girls have all these folds and crevices and places for poop to hide and cause rashes and horrible other things and you can only wipe down. Bleh.

    Oh... why can't you have cheese? I've never heard of pregnancy keeping women from cheese, just certain fishes and delicious medium rare stake awesomeness.

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    1. Yes I've heard that about changing boys. I just generally have no idea how to relate to them. Boys are scary!

      Soft un pasturized cheese, just because of the bacteria. Want to avoid it in case I get sick (lower immune system, not good for baby if I'm sick, etc). But catch me on the right day with the right cheese and I'll probably risk it!

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  10. I am so thrilled for you both, this is wonderful news and I can't think of enough superlatives for how fantastic this is. I wish for you a wondrous journey in creating life. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  11. Congratulations!!! Being a mom is amazing! It truly is. Pay no attention to my tweets that suggest otherwise. Oh, and drink lots of water. LOTS. Kidney stones and pregnancy are a real bitch. And common. Oh, btw. My sister went to the doctor b/c she thought she was severely constipated. Turns out she was 5 1/2 mos. pregnant. Made for a short pregnancy.

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    1. That is so crazy. I'm glad I know. Explains my bad mood all the time!

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  12. No bacteria cheese?! I call bullshit!

    Congratulations!!!

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    1. Bullshit would bad to. Probably lots of bacteria.
      Thanks!

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