Thursday, 17 January 2013

No, how are YOU feeling?

Everything's great! I love being pregnant! 

That's what I SHOULD say, I assume.  As opposed to my normal response:

No, how are YOU fucking feeling?

And I usually say it with a snotty attitude that makes people want to punch my face. 

I'm sorry guys, but it's not easy having everyone constantly questioning me about the human-growing factory that my body has become.  Anyone who knows I'm pregnant can't seem to talk to me about anything else. 

I know it's a big deal, and I know people are excited for me, and yes I totally appreciate their interest and concern.  The problem seems to arise when people who wouldn't normally stop by my desk, or people who wouldn't normally tell me I need to be taking it easy, start doing exactly that. 

I much prefer the people who just pretend I'm not pregnant at all.  Like my boss.  It's so easy.  I can complain or whine (my specialties) whenever I feel like it, but he's not babying me.  Or like Momma, who must be dying to hear all the details but is totally leaving me be (thanks Mom). 

Or, alternatively, people who ask heartfelt questions out of apparently genuine interest.  I don't mind those people.  Like one coworker today who actually requested to see my ultrasound picture, as if it was somehow different from every other ultrasound picture in the history of ultrasound pictures.  That was nice of him. 

I think my problem is primarily with the randoms (who don't really want to hear the truth anyway), or the constants (who are deathly curious and/or have nothing else to say).

In any case, I'll try to lighten up.  But if people really want to know, here's the truth on how I am:

I'm grumpy more often than not. 
Pregnancy hormones and a tendency to feel depressed don't go well together. 
I can't take Advil for my headaches, but Tylenol just isn't as good.
I need to go to sleep every night by 9 if I want to survive the following day. 
I'm breathless all the time, simply upon standing, or talking, or walking. 
I'm having aversions to all my go-to foods, leaving me with nothing to eat. 
I'm impatient to feel the baby move and to know boy or girl, BOY OR GIRL! 
My pants don't fit and my bras pinch and I hate shopping even more than I hate tight pants and pinchy bras. 

On the upside:

We ordered a crib the other day and bought some paint.
Hubby is totally tolerating my absurdity, which is very sweet of him. 
Oh, and apparently the baby can hear me now, so I have someone to listen to me complain - someone who can't get away, and who won't judge me.  Yet. 

So it's not all bad. 


  1. I love your category of "growing tiny humans" ... that's just effing awesome. I'm so insanely proud of you ... because the whole idea of pregnancy and childbirth scare the ever loving SHIT out of me... you are a brave soul.. and even braver to take us on your journey!

    1. I love this comment! Thank you dear. It is scary, but I'm geting used to it. At least getting used to the idea of pregnancy and the idea of bringing home a baby. The actual BIRTH part however? DENIAL.

  2. Ahhhh you kill me :-P You need decoy topics. A list of them. On your desk. Then you say "Like shit. How about those (whatever).../do you know what's for lunch today in the caf?/do you smell something funny?/you look fat in those pants." Xo LB

    1. LOL
      I adore those decoy topics. Adore you. And sorry for every annoying question I ever asked you.

  3. When you become pregnant, your body is no longer yours. It has become public property. Soon you will have total strangers wanting to touch you and asking about your cervix. Pregnancy has become a team sport. :)

    1. Those were the worst for me! Yes, everyone would come up and ask me how I was feeling, and I would blatantly say, "I feel like shit. Growing people is hard." But, when strangers would want to come up an touch me... that was when I got really nasty.

      The other thing I disliked were the people who were all, 'I loved being pregnant! Isn't it wonderful?" It wasn't wonderful for me. I didn't glow. I don't miss it. Please don't assume that I am just like you, random stranger! And no, you cannot touch me. Step the eff back.

      All of my above ramblings aside, you might talk to your doc about the Advil thing. Tylenol never did a single thing for me, and when I mentioned it to my OB, she told me I could take Advil up until the last month or something, without worries. I don't know if that's still the case (the last time I was pregnant was about ten years ago, and things change), but it may be worth asking!

    2. If ANYONE askes about my cervix I'm going to take my pants off and tell them to look for themselves.

    3. Yes! I keep hearing how much people loved their pregnancies. LIARS! The doctor did say Tylenol is only thing shown not to be harmful. She said to avoid Advil and asprin. But I don't really beieve all that crap. I just follow the "rules" because - well, I don't know why...

  4. Just wait until the randoms stop you while you're grocery shopping to *GASP* TOUCH YOUR BELLY!

    Try not to cut those bitches.

  5. Isn't being pregnant fun? Seriously, though, I agree with Carmen. Try not to punch out the random people who you've never even met that try to touch you or ask how far along you are or whatever. A simple "congrats!" is ok. Or, they could just say nothing at all. It's easy!

    1. I vote they say nothing at all. If stranger touches me she's gonna lose her arm.

  6. I hated being pregnant so bad! HATED! As for the birth, I always used this description:
    Pregnancy is like going on a roller coaster. You PAY to get in, you WAIT and WAIT in line, you WANT to go on the roller coaster, you do! Then you're next in line (nearing 9 months or going into labor), and you freak the fuck out and want to backtrack the line and leave. You want to say "never mind! Just kidding, I didn't REALLY want to go on this death trap!". I wanted to beg the doctor to just put me under, get the baby out, then wake me when I was all better. Scared shitless, really. It wasn't as bad as my hyped up expectations of it thought, or at least not that I can remember.
    Good Luck, mommy instincts are real and really really strange. Just always remember, YOU are that babies only mother and what you feel and decide is right for him/her is what IS RIGHT! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! :)
    Devan (PS, I think it's a girl for some reason)

    1. You're so right! Sometimes I can't believe I got myself into this voluntarily. I hope it's a girl! Even if it's a boy, I'll probably just raise it like a girl. Who would notice?

  7. Growing a tiny human sounds like some terrifying shit. I can see why you wouldn't want to talk about it constantly with strangers (or even people you know). Here's a couple more convo redirection suggestions for you! (Full disclosure: borrowed from when I was going through my divorce so may not be as useful in pregnancy . . .)

    1) "Oh, you know . . . " [Then look vaguely off into space] (If they don't know, most will still nod as if they do, and if they do they will then start talking about their own experience thereby taking the attention off of you.)

    2) Well if [insert name of celebrity] can do it I'm sure I'll manage. What's the latest with her, btw?" (Katie Holmes was a go to for me . . . you have the Princess, even better!)

    3) There's always the fake work call you're expecting any minute so you can't talk right now