Tuesday, 7 September 2010
I'm as awesome as it gets.
Sure, there are times each day when we say to ourselves "Wow, I'm pretty awesome... I'm so clever that I amaze myself." We all say that.
Like, one might need to turn the sprinkler on. But one might also know that one can't yet walk on the newly-stained deck. So one might complain to one's husband about having to go around to the backyard through the front door, and back again. But one would still manage. The problem emerges when, even after all that trouble, one forgets that the sprinkler should NOT be turned on so high that a shower of water falls over said newly-stained deck, despite one's careful efforts to avoid stepping on the damn thing. If something like that were to happen, in theory, one might think of oneself as pretty awesome.
Or, one might think one was awesome if one used the new kettle for months and months - and, at every single friggin use, complained about how short the goddam cord was - before having it pointed out that the cord is simply tucked up underneath the base of the godforsaken thing. That'd be pretty awesome, if something like that were, hypothetically, to occur.
Now, we all know that I am one of these awesome people. I don't need to explain it any further. It's already quite clear. I know it. You know it. It's not some new revelation.
But I have new evidence, and I just couldn't resit sharing it, because there are some things that make me, in particular, especially awesome. There are some things that no one else can top.
It's possible that I recently bought new underwear. Nothing too awesome there - a normal, average thing for a person to do.
The awesomeness comes in when I squirm all day in my new underwear, thinking something is wrong with my pants, until I realize that I'm wearing my new underwear backwards. Yes, backwards. Wrong-side-front. Right-side-wrong. Tight and tiny in some places. Loose and baggy in others.
Oh, and it gets better.
This has happened twice.
That's right. Twice.
I made this mistake once, with new underwear that I was not yet fully familiar with. That's fair. Anyone could do that. But then, not a week later, I made the same damn mistake, with the same damn pair of new damn underwear.
So, there's really no disputing it. I am as awesome as it gets. There is no way around it. I bring awesome to a whole new level that none of you amateurs can even dream of competing with. I am the ultimate, most spectacular, greatest form of awesome that there ever was. I am the Guinness Book of World Records record-holder for awesome. There are few rivals in my realm of awesome. George Dub-yah Bush, maybe, but he's been disqualified for doping. I am the awesome heavy-weight champion. I dare you to try and beat me. I double-dog dare you. I triple-nipple dare you. to. beat. me. You can't top that. It cannot be done. ...But I wish you all the world's luck in trying.