Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Seven reasons I cried at work today

Crying at work is not necessarily uncommon for me.  Life upsets me and I don't really know how to hold it in.  Today, however, the crying at work was the result of a series of related reasons, of which I will enumerate here:

1) When I arrive and run into a coworker I haven't seen for weeks, I don't need him to exclaim "Well, let's see your belly! Let's see the reveal!" as I'm removing my jacket - even if he is the kindest, sweetest colleague of all time.  This makes me feel like an object that is being pointed at.  Not to mention, I don't think if he were gaining weight he'd want me to point at his ass and shout at him. 

2) I am a whale.  I'm already too big to touch my feet, or bend, or do yoga, or sit up, or roll over, or put on my underwear, or shave my legs, or wear any of my clothes, or find new clothes that I like, or tolerate my bulky winter jackets (WHICH I STILL NEED BECAUSE SPRING WON'T COME).   And guess what sunshine? I still have 3 months to go and this tiny human is less than 3 pounds so far.  There's nowhere else for her (or me) to grow.  I am as big as I can handle, and I'm so terrified about that fact that I can't even type it without wanting to cry. 

3) Add to that: I am fucking tired.  Not only is my mind running at warp speed with baby thoughts all hours of the day, but I can't sleep because my back and hips hurt like hell (yes I have pillows). 

4) I am in pain.  See above.  The back pain has started and I'm still working on ways to relieve it.  Anyone who is in pain might be a little extra sensitive, no?  Well, add pain to the other 6 reasons, and I feel justified. 

5) I am hormonal.  I have to admit this must be part of the problem.  I tend to resist the "crazy pregnant hormones" hypothesis, but I do feel fragile lately which must at least be partially due to the raging ridiculousness that happens to one's body when she is housing an ever-growing human being.

6) I am embarrassed.  Being the centre of attention is hard for anyone, especially when it comes to a person's body.  Not to mention, nobody likes crying in public - it tends to lead to more crying. 

7) The barrage of attention is constant.  There is no reprieve.  So even if you are a well-meaning colleague, friend, or family member, having people comment on or point at my body all day does not make it easier to withstand. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that tolerance boils down to volume and frequency. 


I get that some pregnant women don't feel this way.  Or they do and they just don't talk about it.  Or they do and other people are not paying attention.  But I am not the only one to say this.  I am not crazy.  This is hard, and it's allowed to be. 

My advice to people (including Past Me who has also made this mistake): Please don't make everything about the baby, even if it is all you can see.  Remember that she's a person - a person going through a lot right now - and maybe you could just act normal sometimes.  Or at least be subtle...

26 comments:

  1. People tend to forget that there is a person surrounding that baby. It is tough to watch your body change, which you have no control over, and people comment on how big you are getting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They do forget. I know they're excited but I feel so objectified. It's true, it is hard watching your body change so drastically so quickly and everyone else thinks it's just rainbows and roses.

      Delete
  2. I felt all of these things with the hummingbird. I think when I was around 30 weeks along, I was like fuck this shit and I was so done with pregnancy.

    Nothing made me more sure of that than when I wanted to kill my husband for drinking the last of my beloved orange juice.

    I know you're hormonal so please don't kill me for this suggestion but if you take baths, if you add about 1/4 cup of epsom salt to a bath and soak for 20 minutes, it helps to relax sore muscles, along with soothing aches and pain.

    It's not like it will be a freaking miracle solution or anything but it may help. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never kill you. Maim, maybe... ;)

      I LOVE baths! Have my whole life. Problem lately is pressure points on my back, tailbone, sides, etc, which make the bath uncomfortable. The neighbours have a hot tub though, and maybe I'll go swimming with LB! (below)

      Delete
  3. OMG! This was so me! I cried every day, I hated being pregnant so bad, I can't believe I did it a second time, but I did. I do have one pillow tip, if you can handle another suggestion...sorry...the key to the pillows is to lay on your side and put just the amount of pillows it takes between your knees to make your knees just the same width apart as your hips. Not so many that your knees are wider apart than your hips, that puts pressure on the hip (my kips KILLED!), and not so few that the knees are less apart than the hip. Usually 2 pillows in just the right possition gave me some relief. I was a fucking WHALE too!!
    Girl, pregnancy fucking sucks, and people that say they loved being pregnant still make me want to vomit. You are doing a great job, you are woman and so capable of doing this thing LIKE A BOSS...drape that tent over you and count your days. I will say a prayer for you. :) <3 Devan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've got the pillows covered but it's more about pressure points and not being able to sretch out my pain like I would prefer. Thank you for helping me feel less alone :)

      Delete
  4. Angela@BeggingtheanswerApril 10, 2013 9:25 am

    I can relate. I felt just like this with my first pregnancy. I felt like I couldn't possibly get any bigger without popping like a balloon and I think I cried just about every day my last trimester. My second pregnancy was a little bit easier. I do not understand how some people "glow" with pregnancy as if it's the most beautiful time in their lives. BARF! Hang in there though, it will all be worth it and it can't last forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So nice to hear from you deary!
      Thanks for saying so.

      Delete
  5. Much sympathy. Being pregnant at work is the worst. My boss once exclaimed "you're huge!" at me and I was totally floored, and when I tried to tell him that one should NOT SAY SUCH THINGS, he argued that it was ok because I was pregnant. Um. No.

    I hope you can take some comfort in knowing there are lots of us out here on the internet who've been in your shoes and completely understand and suport you. You're growing a person, you're awesome, and you're also still YOU. Not just an incubator. Fuck what anybody else says.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for that. This whole thing is new to me, but I have to assume I'm not the only one who feels less than extatic about it. (the pregnant part, not the baby part - although I wouldn't judge people who were scared about that too!)

      Delete
    2. Oh god no, I hated being pregnant. Love my kids, but there's a reason there's only two of them. Pregnancy sucks.

      Delete
  6. Aw hunsy. What a state. I remember it unfondly, often. Have you gone swimming yet? If you'll recall, I was the freak of nature who strangers would declare (not ask) was having twins and I for one found the weightlessness in the water (hang off the edge in the deep-end!!) the only, *only* time I had any comfort. Perhaps you should come swimming with the Twinkies =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You told me I'd hate this, and I never forgot it. You were right.

      Good idea. Neighbours have a hot tub I was considering. I normally dislike that greatly, but in this case it might be worth a try. And YES I would adore that. I may even be able to pick them up in the water :) I may wear a big garbage bag int eh pool though...

      Delete
    2. Bikinis are the way to go when pregnant (otherwise I generally detest them, unless have tanning as the prime objective). OK, let's plan a date for goddess-knows-when!

      Delete
  7. Ditto on the swimming. The chlorine is waging one battle royal with my sensitive lady bits, but it's the ONLY time my belly doesn't feel like a wrecking ball.

    I feel your pain, wish you weren't being so FOCUSED on. I get it. I hate all the looks everywhere I go. The comments. I am fucking OVER IT. I want this kid out. NOW.

    Hope tomorrow, or next week, is better.

    Just remember not to stay in the hot tub too long because if baby's internal temp gets too high, it can be bad. Sorry to be preachy. Just don't want you passing out or some shit like that. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should find a salt water pool maybe. Don't worry, I won't boil my fetus.

      No kidding. After I wrote this, a stranger guy at work saw me drop my empty plastic water cup and declared this was the result of baby brain. Ugh.

      Delete
  8. I have felt this way before (granted, not so much the crier here; I'm more likely to bite your head off). I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly-- I remember those days all too well.

    I would second (third?) the swimming idea, and also, keep searching for a comfortable spot anywhere and everywhere. I literally took over a couch in my in-laws basement because it was the only place I could actually sleep (it is the most comfortable couch in the world; it envelopes you, and I could sleep on my side and the pillows would cradle my huge stomach and take the pressure off the rest of my body). They ended up moving it over to our house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks dear. Yeah I need a comfy spot. I'm shocked my bed isn't it (best bed ever). Maybe I need a water bed. Or a giant beanbag chair.

      Delete
  9. People just get so damned excited about pregnant people. Two of my colleagues and I were all pregnant at the same time, roughly the same length into it. We decided we would make a t-shirt for each of us because we got so sick of people asking us. It said:

    Yes, I AM pregnant.
    I am ___ weeks along.
    No, we don't have a name picked out.
    No, we don't know the gender.
    Yes, I'm aware of the extent of my girth.
    Thanks for noticing.

    I'm sorry you're suffering, hun. If it makes you feel better, post partum is REALLY fucking fun. That didn't help, did it. Come visit me. I understand. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The latest one I need is "No, this is not a boy. No matter how 'low' you think I'm carrying. I'm just short, and therefore low to the ground. Also, shut the fuck up."

      :)

      Delete
  10. *hug*
    My mom had a name tag type thing, think huge button, that read: Yes I'm pregnant, NO You can't touch my belly.

    I'm thinking of making a T-shirt for each month of noticeable pregnancy, if I ever get preggers, That's something along the lines of what Lucy posted.

    Sorry there are so many downsides. I've never been pregnant so I have no sage advice other than Tiger Balm. It is heavenly for sore muscles. Just don't put it on if you're still hot from a shower. Don't do it, it's a strange and horrible experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do like tiger balm! I have something similar that I rub on my temples sometimes.

      Delete
  11. Yes. Totally remember being there.... It gets better.

    ReplyDelete