Anybody heard of the
Pregnant Chicken? If not, you are most certainly MISSING OUT. This blog is
right up my alley (and
almost as cynical about pregnancy as I am...)
My friend sent me a link to the Pregnant Chicken's list of
Clever Pregnancy Comebacks - for all those stupid comments people make when a woman is growing a tiny human.
There are 3 installments on the Pregnant Chicken blog, plus a
multiples edition. I've pasted my favourites below, because, well, study up people.
"Are you sure you're not having twins?! You're so big!"
Shhh, it's actually a litter of puppies but don't tell anyone yet.
Did you say "twins" or "violins"? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.
"Is the nursery ready?"
No, the baby isn't going to be staying with us.
Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
Sort of, we're just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.
"You're just hormonal."
Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
"I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn't mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil."
"How are you going to handle this?!"
We're just gonna sell her on eBay.
Oh, it’ll be fine. I drink a little.
I just won't pick her up when she cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time
“How ya feeling?” (with a head tilt).
I don't know, I'm still a little drunk.
Strangely violent today.
It's funny that you should ask that... *abruptly walks away*
"You should NOT be drinking caffeine."
(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that's none of their damn business).
Oh my gosh, Th...ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from...what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don't fuck with the Voices.
Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
You shouldn't be wearing those jeans, but I didn't bring that to your attention.
This is the best I can do since kicking the meth habit.
"Feeling fat yet?"
Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
You feelin' lucky, Punk?
“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”
I'm trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I'm working on.
Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
I had it yesterday but I'm trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?
"You'd better sleep now because once that baby gets here..."
Why!? Don't they sleep?! Next you'll tell me they poop too.
Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.
"You're so small!"
A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it's all relative.
I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn't have to buy bigger pants.
"You're huge!"
I know!! It's like I'm growing a whole baby or something!
Holy shit, you too
I don't know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?
"How many babies are you going to have?"
It depends on how many we can sell.
"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"
It wouldn't matter anyway because we're naming it Thermos the Third whether it's a boy OR a girl.
I'm kind of hoping it's neither and it's just gas.
Marianna’s own personal additions:
"Pregnancy Braaaiiinnn!"
Well, at least it's better than yours on a good day.
You mean the heightened sense of awareness?
I have TWO brains in my body right now, how many do you have?
"Feeling sick this morning?”
Nope. Constipated as hell though.
Only when I smell that perfume you’re wearing.
*pukes on them*
"Does she move a lot?”
Well, she’s winning the gold medal for the Cervix Trampoline Olympics right now
Only when I snort coke.
"Oh really? I loved being pregnant.”
Huh. Mother Nature really duped you, eh?
Well, you know what they say, good pregnancy, ugly child.
You would.
