Phase three of growing a tiny human

Hello dear friends.  Amazingly, I've managed to keep up with my iPhone pregnancy journal.  I know.  Incredible right?  So, picking up where I last left off...

December 26

[Telling the fam…]

Whoa THAT was a lot to take in. Glad everyone is excited but holy, overwhelming is an understatement.  

December 27

What do you mean the baby might not be ok?  Oh.  So that's the panic and fear everyone is talking about that will last for the next 50 years.  I was not AT ALL prepared for that.  The only thing keeping me sane right now? Tuxedo Cat is in a bag.

December 29

Much more emotionally stable today.  For now anyway.

December 31

I'm gonna be the dancin mom. All 90s all the time. I'm gonna learn all the backstreet boys dance moves. Mmmm Bop baby.

January 4

Dr appointment today. I love my doctor. I trust no one else. Everyone's a HACK. [And yes the baby was ok.  This is a reference to the fact that emergency room doctors are apparently not at all qualified to deal with such an array of medical concerns. My own doctor is never allowed to leave me.]

January 6

My doctor got me thinking about a midwife. Never considered it before. Don't know why. I guess I thought a 19 year old hippie named Willow wearing a hemp skirt would come to my house and whisper at me while I pushed a human out of my vagina “naturally” in a plastic kiddie pool. Turns out? Not exactly.

January 7

Hubby just came home from work with the RANKEST odor.  And proceeded to blame MY heightened sense of smell... uh, no. Do something about that.  Immediately.  

January 8

Wow. So, going to sleep at 7:30 every night is a real thing, eh.

January 9

I can't decide if dinner in bed is good for the soul or a very bad sign.  

January 10

Hey pants. You're too small. Fuck off.

January 11

Hubby was reading about baby proofing. "You're supposed to go around on your knees to see stuff from the baby's perspective. Luckily, Honey, I guess you won't have to do that."   Nice. Throw a short joke at the grumpy pregnant lady.

January 15

THERE ARE WINE SAMPLES IN THIS GROCERY STORE.  FUCK YOU, WORLD.  

January 30

Yay Hubby building the crib! I helped.  Mostly by sitting in the rocking chair.  But when asked to hold up one side, I totally did it.  I held that sucker up for at least 10 minutes.  ("held" = put my hand on it until I realized my hand was no longer needed because it was all done anyway)

My handywork

February 4

I was TOTALLY just advised by my doctor that my extra 300 calories per day can be junk food if good food is unappetizing.  Even better, Hubby needs to back off giving me a hard time about it. Bring on the Crispers.

February 8

So sleeping on my stomach is uncomfortable, and sleeping on my back will apparently result in the apocalypse. So, sides only? MY HIPS HURT.

February 9

February 10

I've had the most bizarre change of heart in the last couple of days. No more baby. Ha just kidding. I actually just think a boy would be good. Girls are assholes. I vote boy.

February 11

First day with elastic pants. I've put it off as long as humanly possible. One benefit: peeing is way easier when all you do is slide down your waistband.

February 19

Ultrasound day. Sitting in the waiting room.  No, Hubby, I don't have any games in my purse.  And to the lady filing her nails: STOP IT.

What do you MEAN it's a girl? What does that mean? 

February 20

Remember when I wanted to be kicked? So masochistic. Now? Stop kicking me you little brat! Ok don't,  But still.

February 28

Worst. Sleeping. Ever. Ouch my back. Ouch my hips. OUCH.

March 1

I'm beginning to think this baby is like Hubby. Can't sit still! My whole insides are flailing.  Either that or she's like me - a total asshole.  

March 3

My new nemesis? Indigestion. Which is particularly terrible for someone who physically does not know HOW to burp. (Swallow my air, I know I know. DOESN'T WORK YOU GUYS.)

March 4

We bought a stroller yesterday! And now I wish I had a baby to put into it. So far, all I have is a Tuxedo Cat.  But he likes riding around, that's for sure.  

March 5

My mood today equates to this: 

March 6

Bought our bassinet! And the cats love that too it.

March 7

Pregnant women resemble toddlers?  Um, yes.

March 9

Whatever you do, do NOT google "placenta images"

March 10

Ok. Who gave this little thing a bongo to play inside my uterus?  She could also probably stop jumping trampoline on my cervix.  

The best "you're preggers" response of all time

This week, for pretty much the first time, I actually got a reaction to my pregnancy that felt good.  Other than Hubby (who indulged with me with bug-eyed panic faces for the first couple weeks), most people have the same responses:

Congratulations! That’s so exciting!

Followed by the inevitable:

How are you feeling? Do you feel pregnant?

And then the intermittent:

HOW’S THE BABY?

Although I am getting used to the constant questions (and dealing with the extra attention in a classic Marianna way - with bold and honest answers), I have yet to hear something that truly made me happy.  ME.  Not everyone else. 

This week my guy friend and former colleague was late to the party and finally heard I’m preggers. And this is the email I got…

Congrats on creating human life. Seriously. That’s complicated stuff. Just look at your index finger, like, really closely. I mean, hold it up 1 inch from your face and check it out. It’s pretty spectacular. You’re creating 8 of them right now, with a set of matching thumbs, from scratch. Plus, you’re doing it in your sleep. Come on. How crazy is that? You’re creating human life in your sleep. Who can do that!? You can. Props.

This makes me (granted, in my heightened emotional state) want to cry. In a good way. Because as I’m sure you’ve heard from me before, GROWING A HUMAN IS FUCKING HARD, yo. A message like this from a friend simply acknowledging that fact without making me feel like a weird mutant freak show is, well, fucking priceless.

Not only that, but he gave me some great tips too. For example:

I won’t give you any advice because frankly I was terrified the whole time. Enjoy what you can and be amazed by yourself. YOU’RE CREATING HUMAN LIFE!!!

For the remaining months, you should create scenarios that give you the occasion to tell people that you’re creating human life from scratch. “Hey Dude. That looks like a good salad. Did you make it? Wow, all I made was a whole human being. But hey, your salad is pretty good too, right?” “How was your weekend? Do anything fun? I developed a central nervous system for this human being that I’m creating inside me… while blogging.”

Just go with it and find what works for you. My one piece of advice: don’t apologize for anything. Feel how you feel and establish boundaries.

You are creating human life. It’s hard. You have full license to complain.

I love this email exchange and I’ve blogged it here so I can continue referring back to it and reminding myself how awesome I am. And how awesome my friend is. And how awesome this whole experience is, despite the fact that most days it kinda sucks.

Seriously, best of luck to you both. You’re going to be great.

  ***Dear friend: I hope you don’t mind that I pasted this on the interwebs. I know you’ll tell me if it bothers you, in which case I will edit and/or delete at your request - I promise. In any case, thank you for helping me feel less crazy.