Fuck, I'm nearly out of my twenties.

If you've been reading my crap for a while, you know I've gone through a transformation of late. 

It seems to have started with my Asshole Depression last year - which taught me to get a grip, take care of myself, and acknowledge reality. 

I also found some dark humour that I didn't know I had.  And my dear friend LB describes me as a recovering people pleaser.  I don't really give a shit anymore.  I have less shame, more strength, and I'm more comfortable in my own skin - even if my skin is fatter than it once was.

All of these new things can be attributed, in a twisted sort of way, to losing my path and then having to find a new one - essentially, it all goes back to failing. 

That, and, that normal process of growing. the. fuck. up.  Age and wisdom and all that  jazz. 

Let's be clear.  I've always been a 40 year old at heart.  I go to bed early.  I've had Hubby since I was 17 and we've had a house in the suburbs since we were 24.  I like Fleetwood Mac.  I take stay-cations. 

But the last couple of years have been a growing process for me.  An improvement, I think. A new paradigm altogether, in which I see, act, and face my life differently than I used to.  And I like this new me.   

Which is why I ADORE that my aunt, uncle, and young cousins saw this book and immediately thought of me. 

Fuck! I'm in my twenties.
By Emma Koenig.
Buy it here. 

This book is a perfect representation of the shift in my world view.

For example, cursing -slash- hating things:

I still take this approach.  Although maybe you could add a "this" and "that" and "you" to follow each of those fucks. 

Biting off more than I can chew:

Ugh.  I was SO like this in my teens and twenties.  I was a superhero.  Not anymore.  My Asshole Depression fixed that RIGHT up.  Now?  Weekends and evenings are precious, I don't always feel like leaving the house, and work can wait.   

PRESSURE:

Extremely applicable in my 20s.  Now, at 28, I've chilled out a bit.  Or at least I'm able to acknowledge when I'm freaking out, so I can fucking DO SOMETHING about it. 

Regrets:

This one I'm working on.  It does seem rather impossible, doesn't it?  To hate so many things about yourself and your choices so early in life?  Although I have lightened up on the self-judgement, it's still there.  Lingering...

Oh, hysterical meltdowns are aplenty:

This is more like me NOW.  I used to ignore the potential for a breakdown, whereas now I not only anticipate and expect a breakdown, but I plan my lunches around it.

The classic "waiting for life to start" syndrome:

 

 

I'm still figuring this out.  Am I encroaching on THIRTY YEARS OLD?! That CANNOT be.  I'm still such a childish asshole. 

 

And the related "David After the Dentist Confusion" syndrome:

 

 

 

I've been known to have some less than lucid moments of "where the fuck am I, what the fuck happened, and how the fuck did I get here."  Haven't we all?

 

And finally, people are pretending:

 

 



 

This took me a while to figure out, but I've got it covered now.  It's no longer a question.  The 28-year-old me knows that, yes, people are pretending.  Everyone is confused, annoyed, self-conscious, and messed the eff up. 

 

And if your response to that is "No, not me! Everything is great!" then you're in denial. 

 

The trick is knowing that just because you're confused, annoyed, self-conscious, and messed the eff up, this doesn't make you UNHAPPY, necessarily. 

 

Just own it. Face your crap, be honest with yourself and others, never assume you know everything, and it'll be a lot easier to live.  Promise.  

 

 



I mostly just drank wine with a sticky face.

Cottage! Cottage cottage cottage! We went to the cottage!

K, so we don't have a cottage, but my best friend A does. Well, her family does. So every year for her birthday, all her friends pile into their cars and drive out to the lake.

And that's just what Hubby and I did this past weekend.  It all started on Saturday morning.

7:00 - Hubby and I wake up.

7:45 - Hubby starts shouting because WE HAVE TO LEAVE AT 8:00

8:15 - I get out of bed.

9:30 - Hubby starts shouting because he's done all the packing and all I've done is NOTHING.

9:45 - I vaccuum. 

9:55 - We leave.

10:01 - While Hubby is pumping gas, I offer to get him a coffee. I ask him what size but then I decide he only needs a small. He asks for medium. I say small. He says medium. I leave. The guy next to us laughs.

10:04 - I emerge with two small coffees. Both are the perfect size.

10:05 - Hubby admits that he bought too many bags of ice as we try to jam it all into our coolers. I remind Hubby that there are two refrigerators at the cottage. And two freezers.

10:06 - We realize that Hubby forgot the chicken. And the dip.

11:06 - We stop at a small town grocery store. We buy chicken and dip. And birthday candles.

12:07 - We arrive at the cottage. We want to make sandwiches. We realize that Hubby forgot to buy bread.

12:08 - The sun comes out and the alcohol begins to flow.

Best.  Cottage.  Ever. 

Sometime before sunset -  People play bocci ball. I drink wine. People play noodle wars. I drink wine. People swim and play ladder golf. I drink wine and beer. People make me dinner. I eat it. And I drink wine.

Noodle wars.

Sometime after sunset -  I make s'mores with Caramilk bars. My face gets really sticky. Someone tries to stuff a million marshmallows into someone else's mouth. I drink wine. Some other people play euchre. I drink wine. Hubby plays guitar while I shout requests in his direction. We sing. I drink wine, I think, although my memory is a little sketchy. I light candles in cupcakes and we all sing Happy Birthday. My face gets sticky again.

Later -  Hubby and I go to bed. Other people try to blame Hubby for annoying erratic iPod selections, even though he's asleep. Hubby's friend threatens to come into our room and "stramroll" Hubby. I know he won't dare because he fears me like the wrath of god. As he should. Hubby's friend abandons his threat, as predicted, adding "Laugh it up Marianna" as he walks away from our door.

Sometime after sunrise - Hubby and I get up. Hubby sits by the water.  I clean the cupcakes, cups, bottles, and gross guacamole off the picnic table. It takes too long.  I read my book for several hours in between breakfast and game  playing watching.

Later - We avoid rain repeatedly and finally give up and go inside. My friend does a puzzle. I start to help her until until I get annoyed.

Around 4:00 - Hubby and I drive home. We see a giant rainbow.